"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
For those who do not already know; my son, Charlie is a professional photographer. He has gifted me many pictures that give me a glimpse of what heaven might look like. Some pictures are so beautiful that I envision myself looking at Evelyn standing in the distance running to me with her messy ponytails bouncing and her trademark smile waiting for me to scoop her up and place her on my shoulders. Heaven.
I chose to share this particular picture with all of you because as I writer my hope is that my words will hit you in a place where you feel as if you aren't alone. I'm smiling because as I type I am looking at my very dirty fingernails. If my fingernails could tell a story they would say that I they have been busy shoveling more poop than they would care to admit, dug holes and weeded a garden that has surprised them with their very first crop of veggies and wildflowers. If I continue to look at my fingernails I also see how very short they have become. That is what I am here to talk about. Fear. To me when I think of forward facing I think of fear. Charlie's picture describes it perfectly... the low and ominous clouds. The darkness in the distance. The layers of clouds stacked upon each other. The tall grass with no path to be seen. The bent wire fence symbolizing a possible dead end or stopping point. The sun... oh the beautiful sun shining brightly giving light even when the stormy clouds want to overtake its beauty. I love this picture because it explains me right now. I am forward facing all while feeling as if I have a layer of stormy clouds swirling in my stomach. I rise each day with my brain telling me to look for the sun, search for the path and cross over that barbed wire fence even if it hurts. Forward facing goes in a direction that has yet to be lived. As a society we love to dwell on the past. We hoard hurts and collect feelings that only keep us pondering situations that have already been lived. Dwelling on broken relationships, misunderstandings and missed opportunities tend to keep our eyes facing the past and our buttocks facing the future. I don't know about you but I can't accomplish much with my behind in charge. I pray that those of you reading never have to bury a child but I know that I am not alone when it comes to the experience of losing of a loved one. Forward facing while dealing with the loss of a loved one is something I am still learning. I have been in therapy since Evelyn passed. I rely on this as much as I rely on keeping my relationship with God intact. I will say, if given the choice I would let my glass of red wine go before I would say goodbye to my therapist. Forward facing can only be managed with the acknowledgement that I cannot do it alone. I need someone who can help me when I need a pulse check into what I am really feeling. I have learned over the past two years that the majority of my fears come from my brain trying to trick me. If I allow myself to listen to my brain before I actually peel back the layers of my fear then I will find myself biting off more of my nails. Recently I have been struggling with the fear of speaking up when I only know it might upset someone. The phrase, "see something, say something" is powerful. Fear. I am afraid of what the future could hold with that relationship. I am afraid of the consequences. I am afraid of being misunderstood and attacked. While these are very real fears they are also forward facing. I have no idea how the message will be received but my brain wants to attack me in the hopes that I do nothing. The same could be true with regards to following a passion in life or taking a leap into a new career. What if I fail? What if I can't balance the demands? What will others think? What will happen if it was a wrong decision. The "what if" game actually keeps you out of the game. Sitting on the sidelines and spectating is fine to a degree but if that is your permanent residence then you will get what you give... a bleacher with other onlookers. I can look at my life and see when God has asked me to get in the game but I chose to sit on the sidelines because of fear, rejection and possible defeat. I can also see when God has placed something so heavily on my heart that even if I wanted to say no I couldn't because the weight of it was too much. I would consider myself an "emotional empath". I've said since I was little that I could walk into a room and find the one person who was feeling "less than". I don't walk into a room searching for the "underdog, the 'not quite' and the lonely". I think God wired me in a way that I pick up on feelings that are heavy. I also think God put me in situations as a little girl to be the "not quite, the outcast, the less than". My experience has allowed me to walk the walk and talk the talk. My experience of caring for aging parents has allowed me to speak up for the elderly. My experience with death and grief has allowed me the opportunity to write and give hope to the hopeless. These experiences could not have been lived if I would have chosen to sit on the bleachers. While these choices have been gut wrenchingly painful they have allowed me to step into the speaking arena and advocate on the behalf of the young and the old. Experiences are only afforded to those who face forward and say yes even when there isn't a visible path. As an empath I struggle daily with the decision to not "fix". I have learned through therapy that swooping in and fixing other people who are hurting is to ignore my own hurts. I can clearly see over the past ten years how often I swooped. When my Dad passed away I swooped in because I was so afraid of seeing my Mom in pain without her best friend. Guess what? I lost my Dad. That pain was raw but I chose to care for my Mom and place my sadness aside because in reality it was too painful to feel the feelings. The death of my Mom, my brother and Evelyn have now given me a birds eye view of witnessing pain and being helpless. Therapy has taught me to stop swooping and fixing and let people sit in their own personal pain. We cannot grow when someone is picking up our pieces. My struggle right now is facing forward and not swooping to fix someone. It goes against the current that has so easily flowed from my veins... see pain or conflict and "fix". In reality fixing can only come from that individual and it has nothing to do with me. We cannot move forward if we don't acknowledge the fear we might have about the future. Sometimes being your own very best friend is all you really ever need in those situations. Have you ever complimented yourself? Have you ever told yourself how proud you are of you? Stop collecting friends and start with yourself. Acknowledge your hangups but don't sit in them as an excuse to not move forward and face the future. Be the friend to yourself that you would want your children or a loved one to attract. I will leave you with your own personal pulse check. Have you let fear keep you from facing the future? Have you been wearing a mask to disguise the real you? If you answered yes or even "maybe" to one of those questions then consider doing this... go to a quiet place and while looking at yourself in the mirror and take off your mask. Without the protection of the mask, without the distractions of the "to do" list give yourself the opportunity to stare at the reflection. Name it, claim it and go for it. Face forward with eyes focused on staying in the game. Throw the mask in the garbage and allow yourself to be uncomfortable with the uncertainty of the future. Love yourself enough to believe in yourself.
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AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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