"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
I'm no expert but I do know what happens when a fire has been lit when not contained. It burns out of control and if not tended to, devastation occurs. I know this. I know it is dangerous to play with fire because as the saying goes, "you will most likely get burned."
More days than not I feel as if my soul is on fire. I feel this need to put it out by turning away, taking a different road and grabbing that extinguisher. Other days I let the fire burn and pierce my heart so I will never forget where I have been or where I want to go. These three images are what causes my soul to be on fire. The first one is an image of infants only weeks old being cared for by a caretaker. Babies... many babies awaiting homes. This is Korea, my daughter's birth country. The second picture is children, impoverished children who only know of cornstalk walls and shoes with holes in them. This is Guatemala, my reason for starting a Non-profit organization, Souly Inspired Inc. Finally the third picture, an orphanage filled with children. Children who are left in playpens and cribs because the amount of children to adults is just mind boggling. This is China. The birth country and first home to my two children. Korea, Guatemala and China... these places have lit a fire in me that has my soul in a constant state of stirring. One minute it is pure excitement and the next it is frustration and sadness. I argue with my brain and tell it to stop thinking about these places and "take care of my full plate" but my heart and my faith reminds me that God has never asked us to just take care of ourselves. We are to love one another. Give until it hurts. Bless the poor in spirit. Bless those who mourn. This is the fuel for my fire. Here is some pure honesty on my part. I feel more times than not that I am walking a path that doesn't lead to success. Success in the way the modern world would define success. A booming profession. A salary that continues to increase. Status that people aspire to. All of this is not me. I am that girl that equates a splurge of a dinner out with my husband to a donation toward a new home in Guatemala. I just cannot seem to "let it go" and be okay with the comments of "you can't save the world". Of course I cannot save the world. Have you seen my home recently? I can hardly get my Christmas decorations down without a mini disaster or sibling scuffle taking place. I know I am only one person but I also know that God has bestowed blessing upon blessing in front of me because of faith and trust that he is near. I'll admit it isn't easy being the "odd man out" in society. I feel as though I don't belong here around all of these luxuries. When my newly adopted son comes into a room and wraps his little arms around my neck and squeezes until I cry for mercy I mentally go back to China and envision him in that playpen laying next to other children. I remember the "empty" faces of children who line the rooms in an orphanage. When my children turn their noses up at a new recipe I created for dinner and decide it is better to go without dinner than to try a few bites. My mind takes me back to the corn stalk walls and children who are just hoping for a bite of a tortilla or a treat from my fanny pack. They have never known plentiful food. Poverty, whether it be the nourishment of food or the nourishment of the love from a family continues to pierce my heart and stir my mind for more. I am trying to come to grips with the level of pain that God has allowed me to witness. I'll be honest, some days I feel as if it isn't fair that I have this struggle in my mind. Why can't it be enough to have traveled on mission trips and answered the call to adoption? Why can't I take a break now? Why does God continue to stir my heart. Stir my mind. Stir the reality of being one person with a "full plate". For me these questions can only be answered through prayer. I'm in that space right now. I am praying for God to continue to open doors that he has chosen for me. I am no longer looking at the ninth door in line but rather the first door that is currently closed. I will walk toward that door, though it be trembling I will open it. I will be okay with whatever he has chosen because I know he has blessed my prior doors with his approval. I honestly don't know what God has in store for me, but do you? Do you really know what is going to happen tomorrow or next week? Sure we all have our schedules to abide by but when we get down to the nitty gritty of our calling in life do you really know where that will lead you? If you do then you need to call me because I could use a little warning, but if your answer is no then you are in the same boat as I. I am not willing to let life pass me by because my plate is full. Life is meant to be lived not purely for ourselves. The mentality of "we take care of ourselves first" is so sad and oh so lonely. I encourage you to jump that ship immediately. I invite you to grab that little paddle boat that looks as if it may take on water. I know it sounds absolutely absurd to board something that looks unsteady and frightening. I know you are thinking, "It might sink, Annette. No way." Well, I've been in many paddle boats over the past few years that onlookers would say looks as if it would take on water. People have even told me to abandon ship. Some have said, "we got lucky". Well, you want to know the secret to finding the perfect paddle boat? No, it isn't duct tape. It's all about faith. Trust, and laying it down to leave it for God to figure out. He has chosen my boat every time. He has pointed to boats that looked SO scary and asked my husband and I to board them. He asked us to grab our kids and throw them in the boat with us. Talk about SCARY! I have lived through scary. I have lived through unknown. I have also lived through redemption, miracles and triumph. Through this writing I have answered my burning question of why me? Thank you readers for allowing me to write because through this I just answered it. He blesses. Every. Single. Time. Who? God. God has stirred my heart because he knows that our family has chosen the paddle boat over the sturdy ship. I know that I could get further faster in that ship but for today the paddle boat is showing me sights that I couldn't get with just "going through the motions". My little paddle boat will putt right along the deepest part of the sea, face the highest of waves and endure storms in the night BUT it WILL NOT SINK. Thank you God for always throwing me the life preserver right when I needed it most. I will not let the world drown me but rather I will continue to swim to those who need saving within these rough waters. My boat, be it small, has space in it for anyone willing to board. Come aboard. It is a ride of a lifetime!
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AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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