"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
Have you ever received news that was so hard to hear you actually felt like you were having an out of body experience? My world suddenly changed the afternoon of Evelyn's heart catheterization; the day that doctors and surgeons came into a small room to explain to Dan and I that our little girl was more critical than we could have imagined. That was the day that a doctor; whom we admire and have trusted with our two older heart warriors could hardly look at our faces when opening the door to tell us the news. It is engrained in my mind... he walked in, shut the door and with a small glance at us he went to a dry erase board and drew Evelyn's heart. His words, "She is a very complex little girl." The drawing will NEVER leave my mind... a picture of her blood flow to her lungs. The numbers that accompanied her left lung was a nightmare and jaw dropping. This led me to my out of body experience... he began talking and I couldn't hear medical terms any longer. Fear hit and all I could think of was our family pictures, future holidays, family fun in the backyard and traditions. Lightening speed... images of her and fear of not having her. In those split seconds our beloved surgeon walked in and shut the door. He has saved the lives of Clara and Lewis. He shut the door and with a somber face he said, "I'm sorry but there is no way she can have the heart surgery we were hoping for. She would never survive." Bolts of lightening hit my heart and again more images appeared... telling our other children, seeing their faces, walking into my bedroom and seeing her crib empty. All these images shot through my mind within a matter of seconds. Tears filled my eyes and in that moment the vulnerability of what just happened was exposed. I turned to pull the Kleenex from the box and that is when it hit.. this wasn't a dream. I remember something very vividly, something I have never told my husband but at that moment when I grabbed the tissue I looked at my husband and saw him almost peeking at me. It's strange, someone whom you know so well and yet you find yourself almost afraid to be "real and vulnerable". It was that moment for us. He is my rock. He is stronger that anyone I know and I knew at that moment he was seeing what my reaction would be.
Dan and I always tell our children and remind each other to always find good in the bad. "Be grateful". "Turn the frown upside down." Days following the news it was too difficult to be grateful and to be honest, I was having a hard time not being frustrated with God. I knew it was wrong but I was mad. I was mad that this little girl who has already endured SO much neglect and hardship was now looking at a life that may be cut short FAR TO SOON. Why? We did as you had asked God; we ran to our daughter thousands of miles away. We opened our hearts. We risked the security of the shores and we drifted out further than we had with our two other heart warriors and we jumped out of the boat again. We were faithful. This ISN'T how our love story should end! This isn't what our family had envisioned! Then God spoke to me through my husband; the man who loves this little one as much as me said, "Annette, I wouldn't change a thing and I don't think you would either. She is meant to be our daughter no matter what happens. She has a family and even if it's for a short time she is ours." Wise words. Yup, he did it... my husband knocked sense back into my aching heart and told me to be grateful for what we have been given. Getting back up off the floor isn't easy but when you have a hand that reaches down to help pull you up it can be accomplished. I won't lie to you though... we both were and still are scared at what lies ahead. The next couple of days we prayed. A village of family and friends prayed. Literally an army was being formed for this tiny warrior in the hopes that our consult only days away would bring us HOPE and buy us more time making memories and loving fiercely. During those couple of days I watched my two oldest children cling to their faith. I watched a school lift up our family and pray for a miracle to unfold, friends were fasting, candles were being lit in other states, a bible study group was in prayer and hundreds of people were including our daughter in their prayers. God was moving. He was moving through people. God took a mountain and stuck it smack dab in our path and called upon hundreds of people to move it! Now I realize that moving a mountain is absolutely impossible BUT traveling up a mountain is NOT impossible. With prayer and an army of prayer warriors that mountain WILL NOT WIN! The consult day arrived. The day we would learn our options. This time the door opened and Evelyn's BELOVED cardiologist looked square in my face and said, "I'm about to send you on the biggest rollercoaster of emotions of your life, but we can make Evelyn a DOUBE VENTRICLE!" Speechless. Miracle. I don't have enough space and you don't have enough time to know what led up to this medical miracle but let's just say that it wasn't "luck" that allowed Evelyn to have this option. God redeems. God hears the cries of his children. God is faithful. Now, let me also be very clear to say that God doesn't always answer prayers the way we would like. I am a perfect example of that. If God answered my prayers the way I would like then both of my parents would still be living and I would have the opportunity to introduce them to the granddaughter they never met. My point is that God does hear every prayer. God loves nothing more than when his children run to him. I know Evelyn's story is a story of HOPE. We went from having a conversation about possible organ donation to her possibly only living into her teens to now living a life where she has the opportunity of burying her parents not the other way around!! Today we are lacing up our running shoes for one of the biggest races in Evelyn's life. A medical team is preparing for a surgery that will allow her the ability to get to her "miracle surgery". In order for her to have her "miracle surgery" she needs to have another risky surgery. The mountain is still standing in our path. It's still big and it's still intimidating BUT with the army of people fighting and shouting praises to God I have no doubt we can help her climb that mountain. The top of the mountain has a view that is like no other... it's victorious! Once again, I find myself grateful for getting out of the boat. Had we not jumped we wouldn't have the views we have right now. God can't perform miracles if you don't jump. Trust him. Take a leap. Thank you Dan for always being so steadfast in your leaps. Our little boat that takes on water now and then is my favorite boat in the craziest of seas. There is no other captain I would rather have out in the roughest of waters. This little boat has shown me time and time again that God is far from finished with Evelyn's story! Friends, rock your boat. Jump ship. Take a risk and see what God can do!!
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AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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