"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
If you have kids like mine then they like Band-Aids. Whether the boo boo is big or teeny tiny, kids love Band-Aids. Maybe it is because that when one is handed out in our family it is followed with a kiss and a hug and promise that all will be okay. We slap the Band-Aid on and seal it with a kiss and all is right with the world again.
Well, this Mama has had a wound but no one could see it. I wanted a quick slap of the Band-Aid to remove it but suddenly realized that the healing had to come from within and not from a little box from my medicine cabinet. Time to tell you the truth about life after surgeries. I feel as though some of you reading this right now are nurturing wounds that no one can see but you are hoping that a quick Band-Aid will take care of it. I am here to tell you that true healing comes from within. My mind wasn't prepared for life after coming home from the hospital. One would think that it would be logical to kick up your heels and begin celebrating that my babies were finally HOME together; our family was once again in the same house and that we were ready to tackle real world problems together... sibling rivalry, mounds of laundry, weekend errands etc. etc. Well, that wasn't the case for me. I wanted it to be. I tried to convince myself that I was over the moon happy that we were finally all home again but my mind couldn't stop racing. It couldn't slow down. The celebration was overshadowed by fears of re-admittance into the hospital, fluid accumulation on a lung and sickness. Days following coming home I would wake in the middle of the night hearing noises that were so familiar to me from the hospital... monitors, x-ray machines being pushed down the hallway in the early mornings, beeping and more beeping. All these noises would wake me only to see that I was in my own bed even though I still felt as if I was laying in an uncomfortable hospital bed next to my little boy. Being home was wonderful and scary at the same time. Sorting the two emotions was difficult and confusing. The process to find peace in my mind and heart meant letting go of what "could" happen and acknowledging what "has happened". Could one of them get sick? Yes. Could they fall and injure their sternum? Yes. Could an x-ray show fluid? Yes. Could we be readmitted? Yes. All of these questions seemed to consume me and leave me feeling stuck. Stuck in a place that wouldn't allow me to celebrate and see the "new normal" that was waiting for me. So what did I do to get me out of this place of "stuckness" and "yuckness"? For starters, I came clean in many areas in my life. I opened up to Dan about my worries and my "racing mind", I opened up to dear friends who reached out at just the right time, I joined a bible group, I said farewell to relationships that were making me bitter rather than better, minimized fall activities and I prayed a lot. Prayed while I woke in the middle of the night. Prayed while sitting at a red light when my mind wanted to wonder. Prayed when driving into the hospital for the countless follow-up appointments. Praying and talking got me through it. The other area that didn't make sense to me but I will share because that is what comes when you want to heal... you share. Why do I miss the place that has caused me so much fear? The hospital. Maybe it is because within these walls a tremendous gift was bestowed upon my two children and our entire family. Maybe because I got a glimpse of seeing God work his miracles. Maybe it is because the relationships I formed this past summer were unique; I met other parents who were struggling and needed a shoulder, young adults who were following their dreams of becoming doctors, sick children who wanted playmates throughout their stay, volunteers who stepped in so I could step out and of course the cardiology team who always had the best interest of my children in mind. These relationships were made and now are in the past. I said goodbye to not just a building but to people as well. This chapter will forever be ingrained in the lives of our entire family. The outcome of our stay in the hospital fortunately has a very happy ending, two successful surgeries and two thriving three year olds BUT for other families that wasn't the same. During our stay five children lost their lives. Five. This doesn't leave my mind. Life is so fragile. Which leads me to the present moment... Where am I now? As we continue to move further and further away from this summer my mind continues to slow down. I am going back to a place of peace and stillness. It's a choice I make throughout the day to not get hung up on the "race" of life. My kids deserve a chapter of slow and steady and not hurry and hope. Clearing the plate and not filling it back up again has been so therapeutic, heck my closets are shouting from the rooftops because I even tackled clearing out the clutter. The "stuff" in our house needed to be removed just as the "to do's" needed to get in line and wait. More stuff, more errands, more engagements, more friends, more activities doesn't make you more of a person. Less is more and I can honestly say from experience that if you love yourself then let yourself live by letting go of "stuff". Focus on the relationships. Focus on healing hurts and focus on new beginnings. My Band-Aid is no longer needed. My wound from within is healing each and everyday. No magic pill. No special cream just good old fashioned prayer and love from authentic relationships. I couldn't be more grateful for this journey. Through it I have seven wonderful children who inspire me to be better and a husband who reminds me that I am braver than I realize. This is what heals... family.
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AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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