"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
Having trained for marathons in the past I know all too well how my body feels when I get to that 20 mile mark. My legs are tired. My mind is playing tricks on me. I'm thirsty, hungry and dreaming of the finish line. While training for marathons I never let a run get past 20 miles. I save the remaining 6 miles for the day of the marathon. Pure adrenaline and mind over matter gets me to that finish line. However, mile 20 always is that mile that I want to either throw in the towel, take a walk break or hear an encouraging word on the sidelines. Once I am beyond 20 miles though I have my running legs back and I am ready to finish the race and hug those that love me at the finish line.
I was at mile 20 yesterday. In fact I have been at mile 20 for that last few days. This marathon is our current adoption journey. I am missing my family. My husband, my two sons and my Mother-n-law. I am tired of watching them through a screen. I am staying up late to get a little glimpse of them on Face Time and I am rising early with a sweet 2 year old daughter who has decided to become potty trained. This has been hard but the hard truly hit yesterday. Yesterday a "friend" of Dan's decided it was appropriate to hurt our family with his words. Yesterday a person at a place I workout felt it was okay to label my daughter as "one of those". This woman sees me working out everyday but has never seen my children. Yesterday she saw me walking up the steps and said, "Oh she is SO cute, I didn't know you had one of those". Moments later another individual who I also see on a daily basis said, "Your'e such a nice person but you do know you can't change the world" followed up by, "I knew when you went to China in October you would come back with 'one'." Three incidences... THREE in one day. One day! The day I was at mile 20 of my own personal race!! Didn't they see I was running a race? Couldn't they see I needed encouragement? I needed to get to my water station and refuel for the rest of my race, but instead they tripped me and watched me get hurt as I stumbled to the ground. I have since dusted myself off the ground. I bandaged the wound with the love of friends and some of my family. I refueled myself with more pictures and videos of China and I have privately let those three individuals know how their words are hurtful. The two individuals from my workout facility was all about educating and bridging the gap with knowledge. The third individual, well, let's just say he knows exactly where I stand which leads me to my point... "The bully on the playground"... we have all seen them. We have all witnessed it. It wasn't until I was an adult that I approached a bully. This bully wasn't a child on a playground though. It was an adult that should have known better. People came up to me privately and thanked me for speaking up. Several people said, "we all saw it and know that this is just who that person is." "It's not right, but that person is just unhappy." Well, yes I know they are unhappy but it needs to be addressed because their unhappiness spreads like a wildfire and will cause more unhappiness. That encounter years ago has changed me. Changed the way I approach situations. I won't take a backseat to hurtful words. I am grateful to that encounter years ago. I learned that fear is just fear and bitterness stems from unhappiness. Last night the bully on the playground tried to get to me. People saw it and guess what? People spoke up. People spoke out. People didn't hide in fear because, "that is just who he is." People saw hurtfulness and SHUT HIM DOWN. The bully was taken off the playground and asked to never return. Our game no longer included him. He crossed the line and was asked to leave. Once he was gone the game resumed and actually has become more fun. I see the people who now have decided to join the game and know that they are there for a reason. They know we play fair. We include anyone who wants to play and we won't stand for anything that hurts anyone in the game. I am the first person to forgive. I will not forget but I will forgive. I have forgiven in the past. I have even waited for an apology that I will most likely never get but guess what? I'm afraid it is bothering that person more than it is bothering me. Bitterness is a nasty disease. It eats you from the inside out. I won't harbor any anger towards this person. In fact, last night... I prayed for him. I prayed for his hardened heart. I prayed that he would lay his head down on his pillow and he would search himself. I prayed that he would one day look back and see this moment was the changing day that he said, "no more anger". Until that time comes please do not stand by and watch the bully on the playground. Take a stand. Speak with words of conviction but don't lash out because then you are only learning from the bully himself. Be the person who gets the bully off the playground until they can play nice. Here is the hard part though... invite them back if you see that they have changed and they are ready to play fair. Forgiveness is a hard word. It involves work on our part. It means we have to swallow our pain. They may not deserve it BUT YOU DO. Don't let anger consume you. In the end you lose and they win. As far as my marathon is concerned... I am currently at mile 21. I have my running legs back... yay! I am rehydrated and the sidelines... well, they are packed with people cheering me on. They have my best interest in mind. They will help push me to that finish line because when I hit mile 26 oh baby, the celebration is going to be B-I-G! My finish line is on Thursday, March 30th at 2:00pm at Dane County Airport. I will be smiling from ear to ear knowing that our family finished the race together. We did it! Lewis will begin his life with his entire family on that day! Success! To those who are cheering us on... I love you. To those who are standing on the sidelines wanting to cheer but afraid for whatever reason... it's okay. I know you are there. I see you watching. I know you care but for whatever reason you don't want to cheer. It's okay. I hope someday you will find the courage to raise your sign and cheer someone on. You deserve it... it is SO wonderful! I leave you with pictures of people on my playground. Thank you for standing behind us and the game we have chosen to play. We love you for joining us in this wonderful game of life!! Our game... it wins EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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I'm moving away from my adoption world to talk about something else that is near and dear to my heart. My Mom. I had a huge "ah ha" moment this morning while standing over my kitchen sink. HUGE. For those who are visiting my blog for the first time, my Mom lives with our family. She is 89 years young and she is truly my greatest inspiration in life. My Mom suffers from parkinson's disease and needs daily care. I would think that many people who are 89 would need and should receive care. Their age is allowed them to "wear the badge" proudly.
Getting back to my "ah ha" moment. Today I was busily scrubbing a stain off one of my Mom's shirts. While I was applying stain remover to the shirt a memory popped into my head. A very clear memory of when I was a child. I could picture it perfectly...my Mom leaning over our bathtub with one of my shirts that had been soaking in the tub. She would take Fels-Naptha soap (oh yeah, the good stuff) and scrub feverishly back and forth until the stain would finally disappear. Without a word the shirt would appear back in my closet; washed, dried and folded. I realized this morning that life has come full circle for me. I am doing things for my Mom that she did for me as a child. She cleaned my clothes, made my meals, brushed my hair, drove me to events, kept me company, wiped my wounds and yes, cheered me up when I was sad. Our family is in the season of doing these things for her rather than her doing them for us anymore. I realize we do not all come from the same backgrounds. Look at my babies. Three of my children will most likely never know their birthmother. You may have a relationship that was strained with a parent. Life is not perfect. Life is messy. Life is full of disappointments and memories that we would not like to relive BUT life also goes on. Life is about making the most of each day and not living in the past. If you are a someone who had a childhood of sadness I am sorry for that. I am also sorry if you have had to bury a parent or parents. I know very well how hard and life changing that loss is. I think that many of us can agree that we would like to do certain things differently when we grow up and have a family. BUT let's also remember that these parents of ours gave us the gift of life. This gift has allowed us to have experiences, create relationships, start a family, live dreams and seek happiness. This gift came from our parents. I look at my Mom and I see how life has come full circle. I see how at times she is "child like" and I do not mean that condescending but rather as a fact. I remain patient when she starts talking about something out of the blue. I'm okay if she would like to just read street signs out loud loud rather than talk to me while riding in the car. I remind myself that one day I will be that 89 year old woman sitting in the chair, looking forward to solving the Wheel of Fortune puzzle, eating a dish of melted chocolate ice cream. I will be her someday. We will all become old someday. I pray that my children will scrub my shirt, bandage my cut and sit on the couch and watch old reruns with me someday. If we could all see the older, (I try to stay away from the word elderly) as our own children I think we would all be a bit more patient, a bit more loving and a bit more compassionate to their needs. While we are busy creating memories with our own children our parents are busy getting older. Memories shouldn't stop when a parent gets older. In fact, that is when we should be busy cramming the memories in since we do not know what tomorrow holds for them. I can tell you from firsthand experience that my Mom still loves attention. She still loves to have her family want to spend time with her, laugh with her and share memories with her. I can only imagine the heartache she still feels on a daily basis now that my Dad has passed away. Their marriage was a beautiful partnership. Beautiful and long. 61 years to be exact. Can you imagine the hole that is left in her heart right now? Imagine having your circle of friends slowly pass away and dwindle down to only a select few. This is what her reality is. This will one day be our reality. I pray that your relationship with your aging parents is healthy. If it isn't... it isn't too late to mend. Don't spend life being angry or frustrated about how things "should have been" begin living how life "can be". Be the light in their life right now. Living a life of service doesn't mean you are less of a person. emptying yourself for the good of another person doesn't mean that you are putting yourself last but rather you are putting someone first. Someone who gave you the gift of life. Someone who isn't promised tomorrow. If you no longer have a parent to share that love with find someone who is need of that love. There are plenty of older people out there just waiting for company. A phone call. A warm cup of coffee and a fresh newspaper. Or maybe just a warm body in the same room. Be that person. It will probably end up changing you more than it changes them. You will be amazed at how quickly "the past" melts away. Don't live a life of regrets because in the end you get to choose. Choose wisely. As for me, I will continue to apply soap to that stain and smile since I still have a stain to wipe off of her shirt. You are loved Mom. As for you Dad, I thank you for nudging me to write this and pass it on. You are loved and missed everyday. Did I get your attention? Who doesn't LOVE something free... something for nothing! Well, that is what I am offering, free tickets to sit in the front row and watch an amazing story! Am I certain how it will all play out? Nope. Do I know the characters? Oh yes, very well. Do I know how it will end? absolutely! The story begins in two days. It begins with three of my most favorite people boarding a plane and traveling around the other side of the world and it ends with OUR SON JOINING OUR FAMILY! While you sit in the front row I want you to ask yourself something... what is your story? What would you like to see play out on stage in front of you? Who would the characters be in YOUR story? How would you like to see your story end?
What is that little soft voice telling you? What holds you back? If nothing held you back what would you do? Where would your story take you? We all have a story to tell. I can tell you with COMPLETE honesty that I am NO different than any of you reading this right now. I have fears, I have hang ups; heck, I have a child that wore his shirt inside-out to church yesterday, I have a car sitting in my garage that decided to breakdown at the worst time, I have a Mother who is falling more and more these days, I have two children who will have open heart surgery within this next year BUT... yes, BUT I have something that helps all these scary, annoying, sad and fearful things melt away... I have complete faith that God is sitting right next to me, guiding me every single minute of every single day. What do we do when we need a doctor? When we need a good place to go for dinner? When we need a trustworthy mechanic? What do we do? We get recommendations. We look to people who have been there and done that. I am here to give my recommendation for a life altering, game changing event. I am here to say that when you listen to that voice inside of you and you let go of the control you will find an entire world open up to you and your family. The bigger our family steps out in faith the bigger God shows his love and grace. I always claimed to "trust" God. I can look back now and see how God was my "emergency contact number" when I was in panic mode. I can look back and see how I thought by "being good" would get me "things". Ahh, this is not the case. God doesn't sit at a counter and pass out prizes to those who end up with the most tokens. God doesn't play that game. God is waiting on YOU. He has never left. He isn't punishing you for the hang ups you have or the person that you cutoff at the roundabout. He is waiting for you to rely on him like never before. He is waiting for YOU to allow him to be in charge not you be in charge of him. I am 44 years old people. I don't want to live another day without sharing my excitement with you. I want to share because that is what people do when they have something that works for them. My recommendation is God. I want to pass it on in the hopes that you step out of your comfort zone. TODAY... not tomorrow; not when you finish paying off your car loan, not when the kids grow up, not when you decide to go on vacation and have time to think about it, not when you and your husband have time to discuss it... TODAY. All I am asking is that you listen to that voice inside of you. What is your story? What would you like to do "BUT, blah blah blah..." All I am asking is that you ask those questions to yourself and then talk them over with God. Funny thing... he already has been listening to you. He has been patiently waiting for you to finally get out of the boat and trust him. Your prayer can be as simple as, "God, help". I have discovered that God sends me help through other people. Actually, people who have not helped me or have let me down in the past are those who I know God is mindfully setting in my path to see how determined I am to continue moving forward. Life isn't about status, how much money we make or don't make, how many trophies our kids won in the last year, how many friends we have or don't have on Facebook. None of that matters. In the end what matters is did you make your mark in this world? Did you do what God designed you to do? If you let God take the reigns he will equip you with what you need to make your "God given talent" come alive. He is in charge of it all. People continually say to me, "I want to adopt but..." "I wish we could but..." The number one reason people tell me they can't adopt is the money. Ahh, the money. "What makes the world go 'round"... (insert sigh). This my friend is fear. Fear that Dan and I encounter for each and every adoption. Fear that tries to stop us from opening our hearts and home to these amazing children. Fear is a big four letter word. God is a bigger three letter word. God has shown up for each and every adoption. God knows our hearts and our desire for these children and God does not disappoint when he sees anyone putting faith in front of fear. So, there you have it. Now, grab your seat and sit in the front row and prepare yourself to watch a story that will be playing out in TWO DAYS! Please invite me to your story when you are ready to share your seats. I would love to come watch. I will be sitting in the front row, eating my very fattening buttered popcorn and squealing with delight that you decided to allow yourself to step out on stage and "go for it". I promise you will crave that stage more and more. Promise me something; invite others on the stage. Let's start advertising all that God has to offer. There is enough to go around for everyone. Something we all share in common... waiting. Waiting for the light to turn green, our coffee to finish brewing, the dreaded commercial to end so we can get back to our favorite tv show, the weekend to arrive, our kids to finally sleep through the night, the the paperwork to process... all of this, waiting.
I am right there. I'm in the waiting room. I'm on the outside waiting for my baby to be carried through the doors and handed over to me. My waiting room is here... at home. My waiting room on US soil while my beloved husband, 10 year old son and sweet Mother-n-law travel across the world to bring our little boy home. A piece of background some of you may not know about me is that I continually say to everyone I love, "well, if it didn't work out then it wasn't meant to be" or "that was a total sign from God". I have been blessed enough, (I don't use the word "lucky" since there is NO luck involved when it comes to what happens in our lives) to see how God always works everything out. The good. The bad. The messy. The chaotic. All of it. I also know that me not going on this trip to meet my baby boy with my husband for the first time is God's way of saying... "stay in the waiting room". He has a plan. I have learned through personal experience that what we do while in the waiting room can have a lasting impression on everyone around you. I will also let you in on a little secret. Sitting in the waiting room this past week has been something I don't want to remember. I haven't been the best version of myself. I've allowed myself to forget my own philosophy of everything happening for a reason. I went from being grateful, blessed and completely happy to feeling sad, empty and yes... jealous. I put my own feelings in front of what God has called our entire family to do. My kids, my husband and my in-laws. We are working as one unit. This process of waiting isn't easy on anyone. The biggest one of all... my son. My beautiful baby boy living in China who is waiting. He has waited for 34 months in an orphanage. He has waited for this moment; the moment he is loved beyond measure. He has been in the waiting room the longest. He has waited for the doors to open and a Mommy and Daddy to appear. His waiting cannot even be compared to the waiting that we do on a daily basis. That annoying light to turn green when you are running late. The possible new job and waiting to hear if you have been chosen and yes, even the test results coming back. These cannot compare to a child who waits for a family. A FAMILY. I can look back in my life and pinpoint the times that God has made me wait. Wait when it was painful. When I begged for an answer and nothing came. The bible says that we must, "wait quietly on Him" but this past weekend I wanted to kick and scream instead. After all, why shouldn't I put up a good, honest fight or at least a good display of self-pity- when I don't get what I want when I want it? Why wait when I can try to control everything, including God? I think for me waiting right now is scary. It reminds me of a trapeze artist in midair. With the gut wrenching trust the trapeze artist must fling herself from the security of her rung to the uncertainty of being caught by her partner on the other side. It's in that split second in the air that she is suspended between the two. That is terrifying. I think that is where my heart is right now. I'm flying in the air. I'm waiting on God. I'm waiting to see my baby boy's face, hear an update about his health, see a recent picture. The paperwork is one BIG fat waiting game... wait for one step to only look to the next step and to wait some more. God has led our family to this point. He has put me in the air mindfully so I can do what I have in the past... "trust". I am pulling up my big girl pants today and I am reminding myself that God is working in my heart during this time. He is shaping my character and telling me to walk with grace. God started this journey the moment I saw your face on September 19th. I have waited each day since. The waiting will soon be over my sweet little Lewis. Until that moment I will patiently wait in my waiting room while your Daddy travels to bring you home to your new FOREVER. Your wait is almost over. I cannot wait until our eyes meet. I will patiently wait for you at the bottom of the escalator... arms open, tears flowing and heart racing. I will be waiting. Waiting for YOU. |
AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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