"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
Well, either you clicked on my blog today because you are currently following our adoption journey and you are truly curious about updates or you just stumbled upon my blog and thought, "Hmmm, interesting, I wonder who this little girl is." or you are a bystander and have been watching from afar but choose to remain quiet due to personal reasons but whatever your reason I am glad you are here because this allows me to not only share some of my deepest most vulnerable feelings while hoping to tap into parts of your heart and mind that maybe have never been touched.
Who is Evelyn Li Kruschek? That is a very good question. Who is this little girl that is about to become my daughter? I honestly do not know. Here is what I do know and I will share with you. She is currently 19 months old. She has a complex heart condition, (single ventricle double outlet right) she has an ear deformity and she has received one heart procedure while in China. Two weeks ago we learned that she has no hearing in her right ear. She had pneumonia on July 6th, (oddly enough the same date that my Mom was in the hospital with pneumonia) and her weight and height have stayed the same since our previous update on May 24th. That in a nutshell is what I know about her. Beyond that there is no information. I would be lying if I said I wasn't concerned. BUT I would be lying if I said that this makes me worry if in fact I am her Mother. I know from the bottom of my heart that she is my daughter. My husband, Dan is days away from holding Evelyn. We are as prepared as we can be for the possibility that she could be sick, malnourished and delayed. We also know that we cannot run to her fast enough. There is a fire in our bellies that it hard to describe but I want to so badly for my readers to understand that it isn't about us finding a child that fits our mold or that can be "fixed" it's about the realization that every single child deserves a family. Done. The greater the need often times means the greater the difficulty for adoption placement. I get that... I really do but I also know that with our previous adoptions and the "unknowns" we have never felt more led by God to walk the walk. Here is some honest truth that maybe some of you may not know but years ago when I saw Clara's picture for the first time and we initially began inquiring about her heart condition with different hospitals and pediatric cardiologists I got scared and feared it was too much... the "what ifs" were too scary and the effect it "might" have on my children at home was too much for me to handle so I told my husband I couldn't do it. I called the agency and said, "I'm sorry but I think we have to pass on her file." My social worker was gracious and said, "Annette it's okay. You will be a great advocate for her since you gained so much information on her heart condition." I hung up the phone and felt like my van drove on autopilot all the way home. I felt numb. Hours later it was my husband, "Annette, who are we to decide her next twenty years. If that is all she has then she has a family." With those words I was on the phone with our agency the next morning telling them we say YES. We haven't looked back. If you read anything then please read this next paragraph. This doesn't make Dan and I brave. It doesn't mean we have more medical knowledge and it for sure doesn't mean that we are Saints walking the holiest of holy lives. We totally screw up. I lose my patience like any other Mom with a busy schedule. I cry in my closet when the world seems unfair. I procrastinate on groceries. I don't recycle enough. I consume far too many McDonald's diet Cokes. I get frustrated when my kids don't angelically fall asleep after a very long day. I am no different in many ways. BUT... here it is BUT when God leads you he really does provide! It is like a puzzle. The pieces are all there but they are scattered and it takes one piece at a time to make the masterpiece. I used to watch my Mom put puzzle after puzzle together. I am not kidding when I tell you that I felt complete anxiety as she would dump all the pieces out on her puzzle board preparing to put that puzzle together. I would think to myself, "Ugh. This is going to take her forever." Guess what? Piece by piece the picture comes to life. Guess what? Dumping the pieces of a puzzle out is similar to saying yes to a child who you have never met. Evelyn is our puzzle right now. We know what she looks like but all the pieces that are her are still not in place. She is a mystery to us right now. Her medical background. Her current oxygen saturation. Her current health. Her likes and dislikes. How does she like to fall asleep? What are her fears? What is her personality? These are her puzzle pieces that in time will be put into place and then guess what... THE MASTERPIECE WILL APPEAR! Another very important point that I want you to know... her picture may very well look different from what I initially think it will look like. We may not finish her puzzle as soon as we would like. It may take a very long to time to put all of her pieces in place but as one piece goes in I will do what my Mom would do... tap her finger on a piece that was really hard to find it's home and announce, "found it" VICTORY! One piece at a time our family will pick up Evelyn's pieces and slowly put them in their place and we will honor my Mom by announcing, "found it"!! It will be victorious! Clara was the scariest "yes" my husband and I have ever said yes to. It is because of her that we trembled a bit with fear when saying yes to Lewis and it is because of Clara and Lewis that Dan so boldly texted, "I'm all in... 100%... she's our daughter!" when he read her file on a runway boarded for home. He said yes before he even saw her picture. He saw only puzzle pieces and not the masterpiece. He knew those pieces would over time be put together by our family, our village of friends, our cardiology team and our great God. Who is Evelyn Li Kruschek? Only God knows. How serious is her heart condition? Only God knows. How long will she survive? Yup, only God. BUT at this very moment... Li Wu (Evelyn Li) is currently an orphan living in a very cramped orphanage awaiting an overdue surgery without someone to love her unconditionally. God gave us her puzzle pieces and asked us to help put her masterpiece together. I will do as my Mom did so patiently. I will dump all the pieces out, organize them according to edge pieces and similar colors and slowly but surely allow them to find their proper spots. Oh Mom, how I SO wish you were here to watch our family work on one of the greatest puzzles. I know that you are near. I know that you haven't left this house; in fact I am just waiting for you to nudge me when you see a piece of her puzzle and whisper so softly, "It goes right there, Annette" at that moment Mom we can tap our fingers together an announce... "we found it!" VICTORY. Whatever the masterpiece looks like I do know one thing... it will be beautiful because it has been allowed to be put together. This little miracle who is currently an orphan; with pieces scattered will very soon be a daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin and CHILD OF GOD. Thank you God for entrusting our family enough to help put her pieces together.
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AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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