"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
I've finally allowed myself to open up and let my readers in. Inside my head; the head that has been spinning and a heart that has been living in two realms since September 10th. I have found myself sitting down to my keyboard to begin sorting the two realms that I currently find myself in and then I am afraid. Afraid to tell you the truth. The reality of life since September 10th. You see I have learned over the last several years that people want the good with a dash of hard but in general we want rainbows because isn't that what makes a good story... struggle, triumph and then VICTORY... YAY! That is what I want to give you all but I simply cannot. I am going to fail at giving you that because right now as Evelyn's Mother I need you to read about what you can't see... neglect, abandonment, starvation and sickness. Yuck. I can't stand even seeing those words on my screen, let alone knowing that those words describe my sweet child who has been a part of our family for the past 35 days.
The two realms inside my head that have taken residency are complete happiness and udder frustration and sadness. One minute I find myself listening to my four year old son sprint through the house in search of his sister's bottle, his voice proclaiming, "We'll, never leave you. Don't cry Evelyn." Wow, what isn't to love about that? I listen with such pride knowing that this four year old doesn't dish out his love to just anyone. You must win his love. You must work for it. Evelyn is his sister and that is enough for this four year old. He loves her as if she has been with him since day one. Beautiful. Priceless. Magical. There you go readers... your rainbows that everyone loves so much. There it is. BUT. I repeat BUT. There is the second realm. The world inside my head that hasn't wanted to expose itself but now out of love for my daughter I need to. The realm of sadness. The reality of institutional life. The reality of living as an orphan for 20 months. The moment I saw her in my husband's arms through the magic of Google Duo was no different than if I was in the delivery room meeting my child. Pure relief. Pure excitement and instant love. Then came the moments after. The moment when my husband laid her on the bed of the hotel room and allowed me to see her full body. Take a quick second and scroll up to see one of the first pictures of Evelyn. Look closely at her face, her head how it looks as if it is cuddling with my husband; while in reality she is too weak to hold her head up. This picture along with a picture of her laying on the hotel bed is engrained in my mind. Evelyn is 20 months old but only weighed 14 lbs. She was handed to my husband with an outfit that could have fit a 5 year old. She had bed sores, head sores and ribs that were more visible than any other feature on her body. This is the realm that keeps coming to the surface. I remember her first diaper change. My oldest daughter was sitting next to me on the couch and we excitedly laid out her first outfit and a fresh diaper. We were ready to play "dress up" and then I got my first real physical presence of her tiny little body. Her airport outfit came off and boom there it was... malnourishment and neglect starring me right in the face. I instantly started to cry and I said to my daughter through my tears, "Why? Who does this? She is a human being!" I know what some of you may be thinking. Trust me, I have said it too, "the orphanages are so full that it makes it difficult to take care of every child the way they would like." and also, "funding is just not there for some orphanages." Look at my daughter's body and tell me that lack of funding caused bed sores, head sores and such severe malnourishment. Evelyn was not one of the "lucky" ones. I believe her heart condition caused her to have multiple illnesses while she waited for a family... our family. I believe the orphanage didn't believe she would be adopted due to the complexities of her heart. I believe she was left. Left alone to lay in a crib day in and day out. Day after day, 609 days to be exact. The realm that consumes me some days while I cuddle my daughter are her 609 days. What was her life like? Where did she sleep? Who came to her cries? Did people come to her cries? Did she go days without eating? How long would she have survived? I have four adopted children and Evelyn's past is the biggest mystery. She was placed in a car with an office worker from her orphanage and began the 125 mile trek to begin her new life. She was handed to my husband with a baggy shirt, baggier shorts and a name tag hanging around her neck by a red string. that is it. No information. No instructions of her daily schedule; her likes, dislikes, bedtime routine, feeding routine and certainly no invitation back to visit her orphanage. Of our four adopted children it goes without saying that she comes from the hardest of places. Here is my plea and my invitation to walk the path of adoption with us. If you have ever thought about adopting but tell yourself that this isn't the right time because your finances are spread too thin or your kids are too much of a handful please walk alongside me and allow me to help you. While I help my children with homework and prepare dinner I find that my mind is so distracted with the sights of overfilled orphanages and neglected children. This is the part of adoption that feels so overwhelming... the children that wait. I envision these children as my own. I look into the eyes of my children who now have come home from a sterile room filled with cribs, a room filled with unanswered cries, a room filled with hopelessness and despair. My kids now have a family. My kids now celebrate holidays, take warm bubble baths, eat at a table with their siblings, play with toys that belong to them, ride a school bus and giggle with delight when a garbage truck pulls in front of THEIR HOME. The simple things really... a warm bath, a school bus, eating at a table, holiday celebrations... all of these things we tend to take for granted many children will never experience in this lifetime. God truly broke my heart into a million little pieces when we said yes to adopting our first child. When we met our second adopted child in an orphanage those million pieces multiplied into more broken pieces. Here I sit now, six years later after our first "yes" to adoption and my heart and head are no longer the same. This experience has changed me in a way that is so hard to explain. Broken into beautiful. That is what our family gets to experience with each "yes". Right now Evelyn's brokenness is her heart and malnourishment. We are teaming up with several specialists to get this girl ready for one of her biggest fights. She needs strength and we will walk along side her to hold her up. I cringe to think how much longer my daughter could have waited in her crib for her family to run to her. Our adoption process took us exactly five months. Beginning to end. I think back to people we encountered with our paperwork and when we were told, "Well, it could be a couple weeks" we knew we didn't have that time to wait. We joined forces with God and the Holy Spirit literally opened doors that initially were shut. I have experienced people telling me they have goosebumps when they hear our story and our journey to our children from across the ocean. Those goosebumps are not that you are cold... it is the Holy Spirit telling you that it's time to move. Time to jump out of the boat and allow God to show you what he can do when you say "yes". Yesterday I did what many Moms do when they are in their vehicle alone. I cranked up the music and let the words to some of my favorite songs fill my head. It was at that moment that anger and love collided. I am mad at the brokenness in this world. I am angry that children live without a family. I am angry when I hear about how hard life is when the internet isn't fast enough, the lines at the coffee shop are too long and the shipping on a favorite Christmas present is delayed. Lives are literally passing away. Children are "existing" in orphanages and memories are not being made because the enemy tells so many people that fear is bigger than their faith. I am afraid of a lot of things. I struggle everyday with not being enough for everyone. I am tired and yes, I even forgot my son at a practice last week. Being perfect doesn't exist in my world. My kids will be the first to say that they wish they could have more "things" but they will also be the first to say that they could never imagine their lives without their siblings who were brought to us through adoption. Adoption does have a ripple effect on your children. I see it firsthand. It is beautiful. It is simple because it involves something we all have... love. While I sit and type this my husband is proudly telling everyone in the family how a sweet little girl who couldn't hold her head up only 38 days ago is now waving bye bye and smiling at familiar faces who love her. That my friends is what I call REDEPMTION! One day at a time. One fear at a time. We say yes. Please consider loving those who wait like my Evelyn did. She is proof that love is waiting for you whether you believe you need it or not... they are waiting for YOU!
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AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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