"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
Seven years I began really hearing God's big dreams for my life and the life of our family. Seven years ago I began letting go and letting God. At least that is what I have been telling myself, "letting go and letting God" but faithful readers let me tell you a piece of gut wrenching truth about me... I think I have been trying to tame a bucking bronco in a rodeo. It's impossible. That sweet pony in the petting zoo cannot be compared to the bucking bronco... it's wild; just like our creator who gave us our dreams and passions.
Having run marathons I find that I can relate certain situations to that of a marathon. I typically train for 16 weeks and ramp up my miles each week and then hit my peak a couple of weeks prior to the marathon; running 20 miles before the actual 26.2. There is a wonderful feeling that comes over me each time when I cross the finish line because I know I stuck to the schedule as best as possible and I gave it my all while out on the coarse BUT there is another feeling that comes over me a couple of days after the run... the "let down". Training is done. Time to rest. Time to listen to your body and give it some freedom from rigidness and structure. That is hard for me but it's necessary. I am currently at the "finish line" but there is no finish line when it comes to a God sized dream. So where am I then? Did I actually cross a finish line? My mind and heart are grieving. This is where exposing myself with my words and allowing cyber space to capture them for readers to take in and form opinions is hard but once again God is telling me to step out and be real. If my "real" helps remind you that you aren't alone and you find encouragement then I heard God correctly. I am running a race that continues and doesn't actually have a finish line. I lost my Mom this summer. Six years and nine months our family had the privilege of caring for her in our home. Six years of daily interaction. Six years of ups and downs, struggles and celebrations. Now she is gone. Grief has set in now. Why? It's the bucking bronco. I thought I could control the grief. Compartmentalize it. Rationalize it. Nope. Don't tame grief because it needs to run free just like a bucking bronco. Just like Evelyn's heart. I can't control her future. I can't tame her. When I allow myself to think of the future for Evelyn and my two other heart children I see that the bronco wants to buck and thrash and I try with all my strength to control it. When God gives you a big dream expect big struggles and expect to live a life without the control you once thought you had. Years ago my husband and I never imagined my parents would live with us. I didn't have a plan or a schedule of how each day would look when caring for aging parents while raising children. It's not like my marathon where each day is laid out with how many miles to run and what days would be for "rest". Just like welcoming our adopted children into our homes. There was no plan or schedule that promised us that our finances would be perfect and that medically they would be "perfect". That bucking bronco came bolting into our lives, into our home and tore up everything that once was "in its place" and literally turned "Moms applecart" upside down. My applecart, (which holds everything near and dear to me in it) is currently upset and slightly turned upside down. I'm needing to sit on the side and let it be that way right now. For years my Mom has been one of my biggest priorities and I took such joy in seeing her smile. When my Dad passed in our home I could feel her pain because I was feeling the grief as well. I made a promise to myself that I would take her pain and pour as much life and happiness into her while she was here so she wouldn't feel the void of his presence. Now looking back I see how I was taming a the bucking bronco. God placed that grief there for a purpose. It's absolutely ridiculous for me to think that I took her pain. Now I have two parents who are reunited with one another and God but now I am the one sitting here with the void. The pain of the loss has completely set in; I now know that bucking bronco was God all along telling me to "let go and let God". It's time I put my words into action and sit. Grieve. Allow my body to rest and restore just like after a marathon. Legs need a break after running 26.2 miles just like a heart needs restoration after loss and lengthily hospital stays. My heart has been running a race with no finish line. My heart has been listening to God's whispers and I would like to think that our family has been faithful to his calling but my mind still wants to tame him. It's time to let God really rip my heart open to the grief. Let the bronco run wild through my "control" and really let go. Yesterday my husband surprised me with a solo trip to visit a soul sister in North Carolina. As the plane was leaving the runway and was climbing higher and higher into the clouds I leaned into the window praying to see my Mom above the clouds. Right? Isn't that what we think as a child; the beautiful gates are in the sky above the clouds. Well, I never saw my Mom in those beautiful clouds but I did feel a warm tear fall down my cheek and I knew that God was calling that bucking bronco to expose my heart and my grief. I'm letting it in today. The grief, the memories and the fears of the future for my heart children. God can run wild through my heart and tear up everything that has been "in its place" for so long. Take me as I am because I want to refuel and restore for whatever God calls us to do in the future. I am going to use this time mend my tired heart. My legs healed after each marathon. They actually became stronger after each break. I am trusting this "rest" will give my heart the strength to faithfully step forward when God whispers another God sized dream. I will not let my hurt become a lock on the door keeping opportunities out due to them being hard or risking pain. The door will swing open again and I know God will come; with only a power he can and rip up everything that is "in its place" and design it in a way that is more beautiful than I ever imagined possible. Being faithful is saying yes to the unknowns of what the future holds. It's beautiful. It's offered to all of us. What is God calling you to do? Let the bronco run wild your life. Our part in life is not about control or the results. It's about obedience. That decision will rock your world in a way that can only be explained by God.
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AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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