"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
Clinging. Standing on the ledge with God and literally clinging with fear as he tells us to jump. Two years ago Dan and I found ourselves in a very similar situation. Two years ago two doctors came into a small room to tell Dan and I about the results from Evelyn's very first heart catheterization. The results were far from hopeful; in fact we were looking at life that could potentially be cut far too soon... the life of our daughter. BUT then HOPE appeared in the darkness. Evelyn's surgeon had a plan. A risky plan that other doctors would not have chosen to take but he did and for that Dan and I are forever grateful!
Two years have passed since that earth shattering moment. Two years of healing, growing, conquering, climbing. Evelyn has been tackling every obstacle that has stood in her way. She has reached each and every goal that doctors have placed in her path in record time. Two years of LIVING, laughing, snuggling, running, talking and loving. Yesterday Dan and I found ourselves in a similar room listening to similar earth shattering language about Evelyn's diagnosis. I consider myself smart when it comes to reading the faces of people. I've always said that somedays I feel as if I can physically feel someone's pain when they are hurting. Yesterday Evelyn's surgeon walked in the consult room and from the moment he sat down I instantly knew this upcoming surgery was going to be a "toes to the ledge moment" with God. My stomach sank.... the feeling you get when you swing too high or you climb aboard a roller coaster and your car plunges from the highest of heights. That was my stomach. Instantly I wanted to cling to anything that can promise me a good outcome; cling to anyone who can promise me that my daughter will live; cling to these past two years of watching God show off all that he is capable of. Instantly I want to stop the hands of time and savor the precious moments with Evelyn... Play doh stuck under little finger nails, messy pony tails, smiles larger than life, dress up clothes, lipstick, laughter among her siblings... I want those moments to freeze and not take another step forward into the great land of the unknown. Here we are again. Toes to the ledge with Evelyn and God. God telling us to TRUST. I'll be honest right now... I'm tired. I've trusted him with SO MUCH. The life of my daughter... trust. The sale of our home... trust. I found myself last night praying and asking for an easier path. I found myself begging and almost bargaining with him that if he made the path more crystal clear I would walk out onto the ledge another time. Silly, isn't it? Bargaining with the person who gifts us a new day. I actually thought to myself, " haven't I been good enough?" I asked, "why us?" "Why Evelyn?" I drifted off to sleep and when I woke I walked over to Evelyn's crib; her messy piggy tails were poking out of the rails of the crib, her little toes were peeking out of her blanket and her sweet face was at peace. I stopped for a brief moment and said to myself. "PEACE", that's what I am searching for. I feel as if Dan and I are in the middle of a forest with no path to get us out of the deep woods. We have each other, yes, but the woods are so very thick that we can't see any light at the other end. I'm begging God for a flashlight. I don't need much... No flare, no chainsaw to cut the trees down. I'm begging for a small flashlight just to shed a bit of light to help us walk the teeniest of steps. I'll be patient. I will be determined. I will not give up... JUST GIVE ME SOME LIGHT. Then I sat down to read early this morning and God gave me a teeny flashlight... I opened my book to a page that has been holding a bookmark for far too long. There it was... "Following God doesn't mean the path will be easy; it means it will be meaningful." AMEN to that!!!!!! Evelyn's path. It's a path that is far from easy BUT it has been meaningful. Evelyn is bringing people back to their faith. She is a reminder that God uses people for a very specific reason. I'm begging God to continue to use Evelyn in BIG ways here on earth. I am praying for God to keep her here to grow up and live a long life. I want my path to be God's path, but here I stand with my small flashlight and I will take whatever small light he decides to give me because it's a gift. His light is a gift. If Dan and I can only see a couple of tiny steps in front of us today through the deep woods we will take them. We would be crazy not to. We're moving forward. We're trusting God. We're clinging to HOPE. We're thankful for another day. In the next month Dan and I will load up our home and move out to the country . The timing is definitely not what we had chosen BUT once again God has his own timeline. Within this month we will find out if Evelyn will have her "iron man" surgery. Dan and I have been told that it comes with a "minimal margin for error". It comes with the biggest of fears of my life. Within this month we will find out if her surgery will be here or in Boston. Within this month we will find out what exact surgery will be performed. A "patch" with no true repair or the biggest of big surgeries with no promise for tomorrow. Both options one could say come with little light BUT GOD is in the business of HOPE. Within the next month I will be clinging to my teeny tiny flashlight and praying for God to show us the way... Light. God, light up our path within this next month! I write to calm my fears. I write to be brave and say what is in my heart but bravery only comes from God. If you want to help our family be brave over the next month please light our path with your prayers. We welcome all the light we can get right now. GOD, LIGHT THE WAY!!! *Here we are again... two years later. Click on the link below to read my blog post from 2018. Two years ago...
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AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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