"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
It's time I put my fingers to the keyboard. My tears need a place to fall and the best way I know how is through my words. My thoughts need to hit the keyboard so that one day I can look at this bloody battlefield with God and realize he and I made it out together and intact; loving each other fully. Full transparency though... God let me down on February 25th. The chapters of the book I've been writing drastically changed on the early morning of that day. Since that day I have been trying to pick up the wreckage that each new day brings without my daughter, his daughter Evelyn Li. God took her from us and decided it was time for him to spend the rest of his days with her. Why would a loving God cause such pain? Why? Why? Why? That is a question I will never get an answer to until the day I see him face to face.
I look at the picture above and feel physical pain. The picture above is my battlefield with God. He took all of my most favorite people in the entire world and asked us to walk through a battlefield so bloody and so traumatic; all while telling us to "trust" him through the fires of grief. I look at Evelyn's little casket and see the tiny cross that is etched above her beautiful face which lays beneath. Her beautiful face, her trademark smile, her louder than loud voice... all of these are just images displayed throughout our house now. The physical side of her is underneath that tiny gold cross that's etched on her casket. It's a complete battleground. The war I have been fighting with God has been one of the heart. He pierced my heart so badly that I feel as if I cannot get up from the ground. The wounds are so deep. I look at my family and I feel as if I am just running with bandages that are not large enough to stop the bleeding. I look around at this battlefield and I wonder when the war will end. I've been blogging for years but something different happened with my writings once I realized we were adopting Evelyn. A spirit was lit inside of me to document her life. I look back at some of my writings now and I have to reread them because I need encouragement from my "old self". My "old self"... what I wouldn't give to go back to that person again. My steadfast faith, my belief that anything is possible when you put God in the driver's seat, the 48 year old who believed in miracles. I miss the old me. I miss my life before February 25th. I yearn for another day, I would take even just a minute to touch her face and feel her body next to mine. The battle stills continues. Here is a part of the battle that is hard for me to write about... I need to put it into writing because someday I will read this and will realize something special. I have a hard time even trying to put this into words because it's so raw and so so painful... I don't understand God's reasons for taking Evelyn so suddenly. I can't make sense of God's choice with cutting Evelyn's earthly life so short. Sometimes the things that make the least sense are the exact things that God uses to show his tremendous love. Evelyn is a perfect example of this... some people scratched their heads when hearing that we were adopting a child so sick and complex. Evelyn defied the odds EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. She survived complication after complication all while drawing people into her spirit. God took a small little girl to prove that God exists. He chose me as her Mother because he knew of my steadfast faith and love for him. He put me on the bloodiest of battlefields and allowed people to get a front row seat at my wounds. Why? Maybe it's because he knew that some people would need my pain to find their faith. The sidelines are filled with people who are watching and wondering if I will turn bitter. It would be so easy to turn bitter. It would be even easier for me to ignore God and continue with my new favorite three letter word, "why?" BUT I'm not looking back into time with "why" and I'm trying out a new words, "what now?" I'm choosing to grab God's hand and move forward into the future with my family and my husband. God hurt me terribly but he also gave me a child who allowed me to believe in miracles. I can't only love him in the good times. I have to remind myself that he knew how many days Evelyn would live on this earth. He knows all of our days. I can say with complete certainty that Evelyn didn't waste a single moment on this earth. I said it once and I will say it again; God and Evelyn teamed up a long time ago. God isn't through with Evelyn's story. God is still in the middle of writing it. I have my fingers firmly planted to the keyboard because Evelyn lives on. Her spirit, her light, her legacy... God brought her here for a reason and I made a promise to him years ago that I would continue to share both his and Evelyn's light even in the moments of darkness. I'm walking a battlefield with God. Rather than turning and running in the other direction I am going walk side by side with him. The war wages on but my LOVE for him is undying and everlasting. God, you know my hurts and you know my pain. Until I see Evelyn again please hold her close and hold our family close while we walk by faith and not by sight.
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AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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