"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
My teeth are still biting the inside of my cheeks, my stomach still feels like it has gotten off a tilt-a-whirl, my shoulders still won't relax and I haven't fully exhaled. This image while it is hard to look at is part of Evelyn's story; which in turn has blossomed into a story that people across the country are glued to watching and reading. Churches of differing denominations, schools of hundreds of children and families in different states are coming together no matter race, religion, economic status or political views and are joining us for one thing... HEALING and RESTORATION for our daughter, Evelyn. What a story of beauty born out of brokenness. Healing out of hurt. Admiration out of abandonment and most importantly... FAITH OVER FEAR.
There are certain experiences in my life that leave a lasting fingerprint and impression. In the last five months I have experienced more of them than I ever imagined. I have been on the holiest of ground over the last five months. In July God invited me, along with other siblings to escort our Mother to the gates. I was able to look into my Mother's eyes and tell her it was okay to go be with our Dad. I held her hand and whispered to her that we were there walking beside her and to not be afraid. Then, less than two weeks before Evelyn's heart surgery I found myself in a similar situation but this time with my brother. This time I was gifted a private moment to talk to him only hours before he passed. My niece gave me a gift that I will never be able to repay... a moment of closure and a moment of silence that I knew was being felt by the both of us. Then I my third experience was one with my daughter; the moment when the ventilator would be turned off and we would all see if Evelyn was strong enough to breathe on her own. This time instead of holding a hand and leading a loved one to the gates I found myself holding a hand and begging for God to keep her from the gates. This is the messiness of faith. It's scary. It's unimaginable and it's heart wrenching BUT it's magnificent. Yes, you read that correctly... magnificent. I was given an up close seat to see God in action. Faith in motion and redemption on the loose! Evelyn was brought back to us after going into a full cardiac arrest. Her surgery was considered high risk and we weren't given wonderful odds about survival. A common statement was thrown around a lot by Evelyn's team at the hospital, "We wait and see what Evelyn will do." I am believing more and more that God is using our daughter, Evelyn to either bring people back to their faith or strengthen their faith. She is defying all odds to survive. She's traveled 7,000 miles to get proper medical care and have a forever family that will never let her go. She traveled those 7,000 miles with a body that was so frail that brought me to tears the moment I saw her naked for the first time. Her will to fight is like nothing I have ever seen before. I have a reoccurring vision that takes the messiness of my faith and turns it into magnificent. Evelyn's heart surgeon and another doctor both received a call in the middle of the night that Evelyn had gone into cardiac arrest. I found out through others on the team that they sped to the hospital to be at Evelyn's side. Literally. They got in their cars in the middle of the night and sped to get to her. Imagine that for a moment. People running to MY DAUGHTER to save her life whereas only months ago my daughter was laying in a crib almost lifeless and no one was running to her. She now has a team that is fighting for her, running to her and loving her. That my friends is magnificent. The messiness of faith is the saying goodbye to loved ones whom you would love to keep next to you physically. That would be my Mom and my brother. My faith is strong but my hurt is deep and that part of my faith is messy because it is painful. The magnificent part of faith is watching God show is faithfulness when it all seems lost. He lays his hand on the broken and brings out such beauty that anyone would be crazy not to believe that God does answer prayers. I look back to when we said yes to adopting Evelyn. We said yes to all of the uncertainties and it was at that point that God allowed some people to stand on the sidelines and wonder why? Why, when we are already busy and our hands were more than full. I don't for a moment argue their points but I also believe God allowed all the questions and even doubts to give everyone a front row seat at watching something magnificent unfold. Evelyn is a miracle in the making. I do not doubt that, nor do I say that lightly. I was and quite honestly still trying to emotionally protect my heart for what God's will was for Evelyn prior to surgery. You see, God doesn't always answer prayers the way would like. That is why it is called faith. That's the messy part. I didn't know how her story would end. Now I see the hundreds of people who have rallied around her and our family and it is clear that Evelyn is climbing this mountain to rally people to their own faith. She is collecting people along the way up her mountain to witness the views along the way. It is glorious to see the variety of people wanting to climb and grab a hold of their faith in honor of this tiny little warrior. Her broken heart is mending broken hearts of faith. She is an example of how God is faithful. He is our father. Cry out to him. He wants to heal your hurts. Mend the brokenness. Faith is messy. Faith is also magnificent. Grab his hand through it all because he promises to be by your side. Evelyn is proof. I am SO proud to call Evelyn my daughter just as I am so proud to call God my Father. With him by our side I have no doubt that Evelyn will continue to climb that steep mountain.
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I have never liked heights. NEVER. My stomach swirls and my palms sweat at the thought of it. These past several weeks Evelyn has taken us up a mountain that is higher than we ever anticipated. Along the way we stopped to look around at the beautiful views. Each time we stopped we took a breath, grabbed our cameras and soaked in the goodness. We've learned that each stop along this journey upward was only temporary. Evelyn reminded us that there was more climbing to do since we weren't quite at the top. She grabbed our hands and told us to keep following her upward.
Well, Evelyn did it... she got us all to the top of the mountain. We made it! Sound the choir, begin the celebration... um, not quite. God intervened and said, "Well done my good and faithful servant" now put your toes to the edge and JUMP. Jump? Wait, what?!! We climbed, we followed Evelyn upward higher than we thought possible and now you are saying JUMP! The view is so beautiful from up here. Dan and I did as you asked and we climbed even when it was hard. Even when the path looked narrow and scary. We have been faithful and now you want us to risk everything and jump! That is my thought process right now. I actually feel as if my husband and I are standing with our toes to the edge and God is telling us to jump. Jump into the unknown. Jump into the danger area. Jump into possible death. BUT then God whispers to me as my toes are literally hanging on the edge with knees trembling... "I am with you. I am catching you as you go. Trust me. I am your safety net." God has never told my husband and I to be reckless but rather to be faithful. Reckless is not thinking things through. Reckless is not having a plan. Reckless is putting fear in control of your life. We said yes to adopting Evelyn knowing her heart was in need of major repair. We said yes to unknowns. We even said yes to the possibility of losing a child... that isn't reckless friends that is pure LOVE. We loved Evelyn even before we physically touched her. God touched us with adoption and we proudly said yes. We said yes to it all... knowing that our toes would some day be standing on the mountain top awaiting one of the biggest jumps of our lives. Today as I was driving and tears were once again welling up inside my eyes I felt the warmth of the sun hitting my face. It was a warm feeling similar to that of a hug from a loved one. I silently told God I felt him. I knew he saw me. My pain and my worry. I began telling him in my mind that I trust him with whatever he brings BUT he needs to hold my hand tomorrow. I reminded him to follow my husband into the operating room. I asked him to cover him with strength while he so bravely watches Evelyn drift off to sleep knowing that his eyes would be the last eyes she sees before her surgery begins. Finally I begged him to keep our girl with us for many many years to come. Whatever lies ahead I am asking him to surround my children, my husband and our family. So while we jump tomorrow I know deep down we aren't free falling. I know that this particular place that God has asked us to jump from has been predetermined by him and him alone. He has lined up a medical team to fight for our daughter. He has aligned an army of friends and family to stand beside us and he has shown us how BIG HE IS when we are faithful to him and his purpose for our lives. I can honestly tell you that the scariest yeses in our lives have produced the greatest of blessings. I have preached and preached about getting out of the boat. I pray that our example in some small way has allowed you, my faithful readers to see that God does show up when we rely on him. Join us tomorrow and walk along side us. We may be jumping BUT WE WILL BEGIN CLIMBING AGAIN once we hit the bottom. Nothing is going to stop us from looking at the beautiful sights from above. The journey isn't always the brightest or most beautiful when you reach your actual destination; It's the actual journey that has the views to be remembered. Evelyn Li Kruschek, your family adores you and your brave heart. Your army of friends and family are moving beside you along the way. Those months of being alone are no longer and your family is here to stay. Someday you will be able to look back and see how your little body and your broken heart mended SO many people in such a big way. You are giving the phrase "Faith Over Fear" an entire new meaning by simply being YOU. |
AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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