"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
This image reminds me that life is short. It reminds me of a time when my life would become "beautifully in over my head." This picture is a reminder of how, "God works all things for the good for those who love him." Romans 8:28 Ironically, as God would have it that was the date, 8/28 our "Gotcha Day" with our daughter, Norah five years ago. It seemed so fitting in my mind... ahh, got it God now I see why you waited all those months to bring her home from Korea. Well, his plans are not always so simple since he had other plans with "working all things for the good." We arrived home from Korea to welcome family at the airport. I spotted my Dad and we cried together, hugged and celebrated the gift that God had given our family... then his phone rang. Only 30 minutes of celebration had passed... the voice on the other end of the phone explained to my Dad, "it had spread". Life changed. Fear hit. The rules of my little safe life were now different.
The months that followed only God could explain. Truly, my husband sometimes has to remind me how we made it through the remodeling of our home, chemotherapy, death and the new chapter. We made it through. We didn't just survive but we lived. Four years has passed. The chapters are different but not entirely. We are in the midst of waiting to welcome home our son from China. My daughter will be leaving for college next year, my Mom continues to bravely fight her Parkinson's disease and my two littlest will be preparing for open heart surgeries within the next year. This is yet another testimony to being, "beautifully in over my head." I am aware of it. My husband, children and my Mother are all aware of it. Dan and I have a phrase we share frequently with one another, "when things are falling apart, they are actually coming together." These are the times that I brace myself and let my faith control my fear. It is moments of "over my head" that I see the "beautiful". Perfect example of this would be last week. My Mom fell last week. The Parkinson's wants to have the last word but we won't let it. Thankfully the day she fell Dan was working from home since she forgot to put on her "emergency necklace". This is where the beauty comes in. I got a call to come home. Dan said he was with her. Upon walking into her room I found my Mom covered up and my husband calmly sitting next to her still lying on the ground. It has been my Mom's wishes to live in our home until the very end, (just as my Dad had done). Calling EMS is a tough call for me since my Mom fears she will never come back home. I struggle with the decision every single time. This time was different. This time I could see the fear and yet I knew God had placed this moment in my lap for a specific reason. The events that followed and continue to follow have had its challenges but nonetheless I choose to see "beautiful". My kids concern and watchful eye with their Grandma is something to be seen. My teenage son will ask to eat his dinner in by her so she isn't alone, my husband's compassion and undying love towards his Mother-n-law makes me fall in love with him all over again. One could say, (and people have said) you have asked for this. You chose this life. You knew what you were getting into when you said "yes". My response is, we sure did. I would rather venture above me knees out into the water and allow myself to get in "over my head" because that is where I find God. I've played it safe before and always wondered what it meant when people would say, "God spoke to me" or "I felt God's presence". Now I know what they are talking about. The deeper I venture out into the waters and the further I allow my heart to move away from the shore is where I find all the happiness that God promises. God causes all things to work together for the good to those who love him. He never said all things would be good BUT he did say he would work them for the good if you work according to His purpose for your life. I have seen this type of "poo poo" behavior with a variety things in life. I honestly believe that sometimes it is hard for some people to see "the hard" and "in over your head" situations. I scratch my head somedays and wonder how opening your home to aging parents or "orphans" is in someway an "I told you so" or "you knew what you were getting into". Not everyone is called to adopt or walk the life that we have been chosen but we are all called to love one another as God as loved us. As you sit and read I would love to make a small statement. Take it or just leave it here as if you never read this entire blog. No one is watching, heck... you don't even have to hit the "like" button. Please, in a world that has more sadness and heartache than we would like, start a movement getting "beautifully in over your head". If you see someone beautifully in over their head then support them rather than raising a brow and wondering "why" Life isn't whether I sink or swim today. It is where God is asking me to go. It really makes no difference because in the end I know he will be there when my toes can't touch the sand any longer and I am in over my head. I love this "beautifully in over my head" life that God has given me. I wouldn't change a single thing. Now I can look back on that picture of my Dad and I embracing at the airport and know I answered the call just as he had hoped I would.
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I am sure many of you could think of a time or moments in your life when you saw something; something so sad or frightening that it just made you want to cover your eyes and turn your head away.
These images are my frightening, head turning, eyes shutting, stomach knotting pictures. All three pictures are my son. All three pictures make me want to pretend that this doesn't actually exist. All three pictures is his reality... my son's reality. I was the one who took all these pictures while on my trip to China this past October. I got a firsthand look at what is daily life is like. I saw the loneliness, emptiness and despair. I wish I could just remember the smiles and replay the laughter from video that I captured but the reality is I cannot. In order for me to truly be the advocate that I say I am I must tell you the truth. Let you see the truth, and let you know that turning away and closing our eyes will never change the need that exists. These three pictures show his life right now. Eating on the floor between the legs of a caretaker, laying face down in a gated play area close to another child,( similar to puppies wanting contact with one another) and finally his bed... metal, sterile and cold. This is all my son has ever known. No, he doesn't look malnurished but trust me, he is starving... starving for love, physical contact, a home, attention and a family. We are working fiercely to bring him home as soon as possible. Yes, he has a complex heart condition. Yes, we did know that before we agreed to adopting him. Yes, we realize how expensive adoption is. Yes, yes and yes. But it isn't about these questions... it is about these pictures. These pictures have pierced my heart and my mind. These pictures cannot be replaced by an easier and less chaotic schedule, these pictures cannot take the place of indulging more, giving our kids bigger and better "things", these pictures will not be erased from the hearts or our family. Our life isn't about things... it is about people. The struggle is real. The pain is raw. Tonight as I write I want to have a pity party. I want to cry and scream at the unfairness of this world. I just laid my littlest children down for the night. They all said their prayers and added their little brother Lewis to their special intention list. I get a lump in my throat because I can envision his metal crib. I want to pretend I forgot how cold it looked but I cannot. I want to turn off my computer and not click on the videos but tonight I cannot. I can't turn away. I won't turn away. I honor my adopted children by never turning away. I will let the sting pierce my heart time and time again because that is when I know God is working inside of me. "He breaks my heart for what breaks his." Tomorrow I will take a deep breath and push the pain down into its little space that no one can see. Tomorrow I begin again. Hand in hand with my children and my husband... we fight and never turn away. |
AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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