"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
Oh how I would give anything to help strap the velcro to her feet again. How I wish we could head out the door for an impromptu drive to grab a diet Coke and read street signs; run errands for orange slices and even stop at a thrift store. These shoes... now they are empty and they sit as a reminder that the person who once filled them is no longer physically here. The sadness cuts like a knife. It hurts like nothing I've ever experienced before. BUT then I look at this picture; this beautiful image of my Mom standing on a beach in Florida while on her Honeymoon and I am in awe of this person. What a life. What a legacy. What an inspiration. This past weekend my siblings came together to divide up my parent's belongings. Eight siblings, 90 years of belongings and a moving truck. It has felt like a band aid hanging halfway off for the past month. I knew the day was coming and part of me couldn't wait to have my house not smell like my Mom but then the other part of me wanted to cling to every memory and every article of clothing because my deep down fear was that when it was all moved out my Mom would be gone as well. I was SO afraid that her spirit would board that moving truck like all the other pieces of furniture. Well, "the peace that surpasses all understanding will guide your heart" absolutely took over mid-way through the day. I smile because the only thing left remaining on the walls at the end of the day was this... She still remains. Her spirit fills this room. Her memory will never leave. Walking into the empty space initially made me feel empty but then I looked up and saw her and I knew she was present like never before.
Seeing my parent's furniture, my Dad's artwork and my Mom's diaries in the backseats of my sibling's vehicles gave me such peace. Their memories will carry on. The artwork, furniture and diaries are now being displayed and enjoyed in other homes within the family. I love that we all can enjoy a piece of them together. I purposely kept her shoes. I didn't think my siblings would mind. They sat on top of a box of her clothes in the garage and I told myself if they were there after everyone left I wouldn't donate them. Oddly enough, as my husband respectfully took the remaining boxes to our local thrift store he asked if I kept her shoes. I never told him that it was my hope all along; how funny that he would ask that. Of all things... her shoes. I kept her shoes for one reason... to try my best to put myself in her shoes. Walk her walk. Be the one who people respect, people call for special prayer requests and people admire. My Mom had such a soft spirit but mighty faith. I am praying that I can live a life as boldly as her. I saw how life dealt out some really bad hands to her but I watched how she responded to those bad hands. She never cheated for a different card, she didn't complain that it wasn't fair and she definitely didn't quit the game early and walk away... My Mom stayed in the game and grabbed her rosary and clung to her faith. That is what I plan on doing when the game gets hard. I have my faith. I have a God that makes everything right even when the game seems like it may be lost. Her shoes will be a reminder to me that when I want to shout and yell at unfairness I will take her approach and love; simply love. She was quiet about her feelings but when she loved someone she loved them hard and was steadfast in her support. I think it is so ironic how my Mom had eight children and here I sit only weeks away from welcoming our eighth child into our family. My Mom was able to be within our home to see our fifth, sixth and seventh child come home from another country. My parents lived within our home when we were entering the new territory of adoption. I have NO doubt that she will be standing next to me at the Dane County Airport when Dan introduces me to our newest daughter. My Mom and her devout faith will be saying a prayer of thanksgiving as we witness God's faithfulness. My Mom will be standing right next to my side with her white sneakers on. Those sneakers are an example of so much more than a pair of shoes. They represent 90 years of a life that struggled, prayed, wept, cheered, worried AND loved. My Mom didn't live a life of luxury but the life she lived she chose to live it well. She put the complaints aside and simply lived. May we all live like that. Tomorrow I plan on throwing my feet off the side of the bed and choosing to live; while thanking God for another day to make memories, love family members and create a legacy. Let's all choose that. Lace up your shoes or Velcro your shoes; whatever your preference put them on and begin the day with love in your heart and gratitude that you were given another day to make a mark in this world. What do you want your footprints to say? Where would your footprints take you if someone were to follow them? If you are proud of that... wonderful. If your footprints take you in circles of regret and anger then change it today. Walk to the destination that makes you proud. My Mom's shoes cannot be filled. Her feet will always be larger than mine but I can try my best to follow in her footsteps and be the daughter that I know she would be proud of. Let us all live a life that we can be proud of.
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AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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