"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
Where do I begin? How do I put words to sadness that physically makes my heart ache and my stomach feel ill? My heart wants to shout to the world about this wonderful person but my fingers cannot seem click the keyboard to let it all out.
My best friend passed away. My beloved Mom is no longer here within my home. It stings. It hurts. It makes everything hard. So what do I do? The only thing I know I need to do... I cling. I cling to my faith and my assurance that she is with Jesus and my Dad in heaven. I know with everything in my being that she has seen the face of God and is reunited with loved ones. I believe her body is finally cured of the Parkinson's disease that claimed her life. Clinging to my faith is all I can do right now because the smell of her perfume still fills her living room. Her Diet Coke cup from McDonalds is still sitting next to mine on her dresser. Her favorite rainbow pajama bottoms are still sitting on the chair from the morning I helped her put on her patriotic outfit as we headed to the emergency room on the Fourth of July. Her entire being is still in my house but yet the person I love is no longer physically here to say, "See you in the morning and thank you for everything." I'm left with my memories and that is it. Clinging is all I can do because when I wake in the morning I am reminded that this is now my new normal... life without my Mom. I wake up and I know I have a choice to make... gratitude or sadness and yes, even anger. I am choosing gratitude. I will be honest though, I have to remind myself of this several times throughout each hour because it would feel a lot easier to just stay in my room and let the memories keep me in bed. I am grateful to my Mom for giving me the BEST gift ever... her faith. I honestly do not know how someone can go through something so painful and not have their faith as their backbone to hold them up. The more I cling to my faith and grab for Jesus' hand the more he reminds me that our family will make it through this. Both of my parents have now passed away in my home. Both passed away as they wished... in their bed. That is a gift. That is a gift that several of my family members got to witness. My children got to usher their Grandmother off to heaven's gate. My Mom took us on the most Holy journey and allowed us to get so close to the gates. She ushered this very large family of mine into our home one by one to witness something so beautiful yet so painful. She wanted my family to witness that life doesn't end here. She wanted others to see that she was on her journey to her new life that would never end and would forever be beautiful and pain free. The grief is like a small tidal wave though. I walk into her room and I instantly feel the wave gain strength. I pick up a piece of paper with her handwriting and the wave suddenly is over my head and then I notice a voicemail on my phone from her and listen to her voice and I am crashed and hit with grief so intense it feels like I cannot stand. BUT then I think of her testimony on her final days. Her assurance that she saw God and she saw my Dad. This brings peace. This reminds me that I can stand up and stare the wave in the face and know that I am bigger than it because of what? My faith. God wins every time. God has the final word and that is why I choose to cling to him. Clinging isn't a sign of weakness but rather a sign of my belief that God is bigger than me and I obviously cannot do this alone. God is present in our home right now. He hasn't left our side; in fact he is allowing all of us to cling to him, grab his hand and squeeze when the pain and memories feel too intense. While I cling and cry I also know that my Mom is watching and saying, "Keep clinging. Keep praying. Keep believing." My Mom is with my Dad. My Mom no longer has pain from her Parkinson's disease. She is happy. Peace... thank you God. Tonight as I lay my head to my pillow and let the tears flow again and again I pray through the tears and cling. God gave me the most precious gift... my Mother. A Mother I was fortunate to call my best friend, roommate and spiritual mentor. Wow! What a blessing. I have no regrets. We had something special and I am grateful for the gift... the gift of her. In honor of my Mom I ask you to cling. Cling to Jesus with your hurt. Cling to him to see you through the pain. Cling to him because having faith makes the load of hurt so much lighter. If you are saying, "Annette, I haven't prayed in years." or " You have NO idea how much I have messed up; I could never go to him now. It's too late." It's never too late to cling to someone who is eagerly awaiting your hand. Reach out to him. There is no judgement only love. Take advantage of the love. Cling today and let down your pain. I did this evening by putting my words to the keyboard. God knew what I needed and because of that I can lay my head down this evening knowing that he will be near tomorrow when the wave wants to come crashing in. Stare the wave in the face tomorrow and cling to God. That is exactly what I will be doing. Holding on tight. Clinging, crying and smiling because God has me in his grip. I'm never letting go. Thank you Mom for the gift of you and your faith. Both are treasured and will see me through another day; another day that holds a gift just waiting to be opened.
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AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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