"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
.As a small child I remember my parents telling me, "don't tell what you wish for when blowing out your candles or it won't come true." Well, today I am telling you ALL my three wishes for my little gentleman as he prepares to blow out his candles today. I'm telling you because I believe in the power of numbers. I believe in the power of prayer and I believe that if I share my wishes they will come true.
Tonight as we light his candles and we sing to him; as he takes his breath to blow out his candles I will be saying a prayer for his birthparents. My first wish will be that his birthparents will somehow find peace with their decision that they had to make when Lewis was only a few months old. The decision to say goodbye to a child that was too ill for them to care for. A child that would need surgeries that they unfortunately could not afford, a child that they had hopes and dream of raising. A child that they loved. They did not "give up" this sweet boy. The term "give up" means to stop hoping for a good outcome. This could not be further from the truth. They did the exact opposite. The good outcome for Lewis's complex heart condition meant not one surgery but rather three. Three surgeries which needed to be paid in cash in order to perform. This is why so many special needs children are orphaned in China. They aren't "giving up" on their child they are thinking more about their child than themselves and that is selfless. That is love. I'm sad to think that another woman is walking around with an empty heart while mine is so full. My second wish is that your imperfect heart will not stop you from living the perfect life you were meant to live. You are SO much more than a diagnosis. I pray your scar becomes your badge of honor and you wear it proudly. Your heart condition while it is scary, I don't want it to define YOU. Sure, you will most likely never compete in sports. You will be advised to stick to "playing it safe" with regards to your condition. That is wise and sound advice but it will not stop you from offering a helping hand to the needy, making friends with the lonesome, pursuing your dreams. I want you to MAKE YOUR MARK in this world. I want you to be the reason that "special needs" is so special. I want you to be the reason that others choose to adopt. I want you to turn your scar into a star and shoot for it! My final wish. The hardest of wishes for me and one I hesitated about putting out into cyber space is this... I wish for you to have a very long life. This wish has two parts though. The other part is to "surrender" to whatever may lie ahead. I am not in control; none of us are in control of our future. We may think we are but I assure you, the moment you open your eyes and drop your feet to the side of your bed God is leading the way. Does this mean that I keep my feet in concrete afraid to move out of fear? No way. It means that I equip myself as a Mother and give my two heart children the best possible chance at a full and productive life. I want to grow old with my babies. I want them to have the experiences that I have been blessed to have with my parents. Years of happiness. Years of memories. Years of accomplishments. We are 42 days away from heart surgery. Only six short weeks. It takes my breath away at times. This is the surrender part that I need to continue to get good at. God blessed Dan and I with not one but two children with heart conditions labeled at "palliative care". I do not for one moment take this lightly. It sits in the back of my mind like an unwanted visitor but then I remind myself that the story is too beautiful. Look at the chapters we have written. This is what defines Clara and Lewis not their diagnosis. I wish for more time. Simple enough. Go ahead my sweet boy... take in the sounds of the beautiful birthday song. Look around the table and smile because it is all for you. Your Mom will proudly be smiling, I will be wishing. I will be praying. I will be holding on to the faith that has gotten us here. I will be by your side Every. Step. Of. The. Way! Happy 3rd Birthday Lewis Grant!!! You are loved by so many!
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On your third birthday I reflect on your life. I remember the words of a well respected cardiologist, "Do not adopt her, she will be a financial hardship to your family". "She will not survive". These words are engrained on my mind and on my heart. These words, your "death sentence" was relayed over the phone to me. I remember it oh so well... I held the phone in one hand and in the other I started writing words on a pad of paper. Then I looked up at my beloved husband and shook my head no. Fear and sadness filled my mind. I got off the phone and said to my husband, "it wasn't good. In fact it was very bad. He said she wouldn't survive. She would be a financial burden. The doctor asked if we "have to" adopt her."
These are the moments in a marriage that Dan and I shine. My husband and I "get each other". We've been married just shy of 20 years and sometimes no words are needed. We both walked away from the conversation saying nothing. Yes, nothing. It wasn't until 2 hours later when we were getting ready for bed that Dan as a 'matter of factly' said, "who are we to choose her 20 years? If that is all she has why do we have the right to say no?" With that statement we moved forward and NEVER looked back. Have I ever spoke to that cardiologist again... you bet! In fact we celebrated Clara's 2nd birthday last year driving 75 miles to surprise him in his office by showing him our "financial burden". I can tell you that there were tears and shock when he realized that she was standing right in front of him. He hugged me and apologized for ever telling us not to adopt her. He immediately pulled out his fancy flip phone and began taking pictures of our sweet little girl. He was in awe of her presence. He was changed. His heart was moved. Clara has this affect on people. When people learn about her heart condition they stop, stare and begin to ask me questions. The first one being, "Did you know she was sick when you adopted her?" The second one, "isn't it expensive to adopt?" I don't have enough space on this blog to tell you the countless conversations I have had about the "cost" to people. Dear friends, the "cost" isn't what makes Dan and I say yes or no to our three adopted children. The "cost" is something you place on "items". Clara's birthday present... her little pink tricycle that she will be proudly pedaling down the driveway "cost" something. The countless packages of sugarless gum she chews "costs" something. The piles and piles of paperwork, background checks, social worker fees, agency fees, orphanage donations, plane tickets, hotel reservations... all these... all "costs". The "cost" that our family has taken on is within our hearts. The emptying of ourselves rather than our bank account. The cost is walking the narrow road that isn't viewed as common or "safe" but rather because it leads us to you. The cost is watching older siblings say no to "me" time so that they can give more of "their time" to one another. The cost is not knowing when the next time you will snuggle next to your husband because you now have a new little body that has taken residence in your bed because he is too frightened to sleep alone for fear he will lose the security of having parents for the first time. The cost is fatigue, end of your rope patience and days of fear for the upcoming surgeries that are approaching. The "cost" is also smiles from my babies who had to leave their birth country, leave either a beloved Foster Mother or Nanny, leave their native language and start new. The cost in those regards is high. SO high. Have my children blossomed? Yes. Do they still struggle with fear of abandonment? Yes. Do we continue to empty our hearts instead of our bank accounts for these beautiful three? Without a doubt! The cost to receive their love is free and it is worth MILLIONS when you hear an "I love you" out of nowhere from a spirited yet emotionally timid 6 year old. When you feel a small little hand reach for your arm in the middle of the night to draw you close... priceless. When you see fear evolve into confidence from a tiny one who is preparing for heart surgery. The confidence that can only come from being the "bigger sister"; the "twin" to her brother who will be walking the exact same medical path... all of this, worth millions. Clara's diagnosis I am certain was to show us that there was another boy waiting for his family... our family. Clara needed to open our hearts, empty us of all confidence and prove to us that real love is not afraid to bleed. We'll chase them through the pain. We'll open our hearts, risk whatever lies ahead because THEY ARE WORTH IT! When deciding if the "cost" is too high with regards to adoption. Ask yourself rather if you are willing to empty yourself for the good of another. Not your back account. Money can be earned but a fragile life cannot wait until you're "financially in a better place". Search yourself. Search your willingness to love. Love is free. Risking hurt and loss is expensive but OH SO WORTH IT. If you see me out and about please try to not ask how expensive adoption is in front of my adopted children. They are people not items. I am sure your intentions come from a place of pure curiosity but they come from a place of loss and fear. They are my babies from another selfless mother. That is priceless. Happy Birthday to the little girl who wasn't supposed to be here. Happy 3rd Birthday to my walking little miracle who will continue to change lives and hearts by her mere presence on this earth. We love you. I love you. I will continue to empty myself for you so you can have another day to experience real and undying love! If you are visiting for the first time, welcome! If you are a return reader, hello again. Today's entry is about my reality. "Pleasantville" through the eyes of a tired Mama. I'm hoping that after reading this you can search yourself and answer the question, "Is your cup half full or half empty?"
I'll go first. My cup over the past couple of weeks has been draining. Before my very eyes; no matter how hard I tried to keep it all together, refill it, savor it... I seemed to come up short. Bit by bit whatever was in the cup was slowly was leaking out. I have tried to live my life as a, "glass is always half full". Optimism and gratitude were the keys to making life go round in my world. I've seen firsthand with my children how my attitude can make or break the atmosphere in our home. I remind my large crew that how you look at your cup really shows what type of person you are. Well, to be perfectly frank and honest my cup was empty. I was spent. I felt it and my kids and my husband could see it. With that being said does it make me a failure? No way. Does it make me weak? Nope. Does it make me vulnerable to share publically? Oh yes. Does it show reality? Absolutely. That is what I am all about... reality. I want you all to know that behind all the smiles and giggles of my precious children there are struggles and tears. Behind every smile is a load of laundry that isn't folded. Behind every giggle there are rules being tested and behind every hug there is a Grandmother who most likely has fallen in our home, Why do I say this? To remind everyone that life isn't perfect. Life isn't easy. Life isn't meant to be lived safely to avoid messes, trials, or tragedies. Life is meant to be lived. Live it authentically. Years ago my extended family nicknamed my hometown as "Pleasantville". They used to comment how when they entered our little town it suddenly became sunny and 70. Isn't that what Pleasantville is all about? Sunny skies, warm weather and smiles galore? I disagree. Pleasantville is about the entire package. Pleasantville can exist in any location, in any home and in any family. What makes it "Pleasantville" is how you look at your little cup. What's in your cup? Does it have joy or is it filling up with past regrets? Does it have happiness or are you harboring anger in its place? Does it have laughter or are you comparing yourself to the person down the street? Live YOUR life. Live it real. Live it honestly. In the end your children see how struggles are a part of life. Disappointments create growth and tiredness is okay. I'm back to filling my cup up. If its not full that is okay because it is full in my eyes. It's full because I know I still have tomorrow to improve upon today. We as people need to give ourselves a break. Pat yourself on the back and remind yourself that you ARE enough. Start filling your glass up. Start appreciating what is in your cup and if you are unhappy with what you see inside your cup... change it. It's your cup. Own it. My cup is more than full again. I'm still tired. The laundry... well, let's just say my cup is singing because I no longer do that. They do, (sorry, but not sorry kids). This Mom gig is an evolving job. It is not a race to be won but rather to embrace. Don't "go through the motions" in life just to get through it. Learn from it. Participate in it. Appreciate your cup and everything that goes it in. Now for the question... "Is your cup half full or half empty?" I'd love to know and sit a spell with you over a warm cup of joe. My only request is that you get real... I did. Now it's your turn. My cup chooses joy even among the mess. |
AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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