"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
I've taught my kids to never send a text, email or post on social media when you are mad because in the moment of haste it's possible to say things you don't mean and it can't be undone once it lands in the hands of others. Have you ever sat on an email or text and then once your emotions settled down you later realized how grateful you were for not sending it?
Today I've chosen not to follow my own advice. I've sat in silence long enough. I'm mad, in fact I feel betrayed. Betrayed by God. I am sending this out into cyber land because I promised Evelyn that I wouldn't stop putting my pen to the paper to document her life. Even in her death I feel even more committed to fulfilling my promise to her. Today I'm sharing my relationship with God and the disappointment I feel. As a little girl I learned about "the golden rule"; do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Basically, treating others as one wants to be treated. As I look back on the months without living without Evelyn I am so confused. My relationship with God has been one of respect. Years ago when welcoming my parents into my house I took a hit from people; people who I never imagined would walk away. Years pressed on and the demands continued all while never understanding God's purpose with the pain of these broken relationships. I stayed focused on my relationship with God and with his purpose. I did my best to take disappointments and hurts as God's way of teaching me that there is always something to be learned. With each "yes" to God came some pushback from society. I chalked it up to "swimming against the current" or "coloring outside of the lines". Even in the death of my parents, broken relationships, and complex heart surgeries I was still able to open my heart to God and trust him and his purpose for my life. Well, my heart these days with God is something I wasn't going to share but I wouldn't be keeping my promise with Evelyn if I didn't let it out. Angry and invisible... that's how I feel with God. I think some of you might be mistaken about who I am. Correct me if I am wrong but I'm afraid some of you might think that my relationship with God is so close that my hurts are more protected and I face each day with peace in my heart. This isn't the case. Ever since February 25th I have been trying so hard to find God's purpose in this tragedy of living without Evelyn. Yes, I have had undeniable "signs" from Evelyn. I don't take that for granted, in fact I soak in the moment, write about it and give God all the credit. Lately though I am just mad and here is why... On the day of Evelyn's funeral God asked more of me than I thought I could bare. Dan and I made the difficult decision to have Evelyn's casket open. We decided that for the sake of our kids and those who loved her it was best to have this closure and allow people to see her one final time. I will say it was a strange feeling driving to church on the day of her funeral and feeling anxious to see my brave girl. It was the longest I had ever gone without seeing her and while my heart knew that she had passed away my brain needed to see her curly piggy tails. That was my only request to the funeral director... "messy piggy tails". I shared pictures of her crazy hair days before to make sure we would see our Evelyn. As our immediate family walked into church to say our final goodbyes to Evelyn two of my kids ran ahead. Moments later they returned only to say that Evelyn didn't look like herself. Heartbroken. Why God? Her messy curls where ironed straight. If I wasn't sad enough I looked around at my core family and saw the disappointment. In that moment I swallowed the pain and became Evelyn's advocate just as if we were in the hospital together. I walked over to the funeral director and asked for a cup of water. I proceeded to dip my fingertips into the cup water and do what any Mother would do for their child... I redid her hair. I remember the funeral director saying, "I'm afraid you might not achieve the result you are looking for." but I wouldn't be stopped. The curls came to life. Her messy piggy tails were achieved and for a brief second I was content. Fast forward to Mother's day this year and another crushing blow from God. I received a phone call days before saying that Evelyn's bench had been placed at the cemetery. The cemetery has been a place that I have stayed away from. All I could picture was her little casket under the ground so staying away was necessary. I used our backyard as my place to feel Evelyn's spirit. My entire family embraced Evelyn's plot at the cemetery. Charlie would eat vanilla ice cream cones while visiting Evelyn. The kids would join Dan when visiting Grandma and Grandpa's house. I told myself that once Evelyn's bench was placed I would visit her. I would finally get to "see my girl". Mother's Day arrived and our entire core convoyed to the cemetery to see Evelyn and her bench. Once again I felt disappointment similar to the day of her funeral. As I walked to her plot all I could see was dirt and a faint tire mark going across her small little plot. As I stood there with my kids and husband all I could think of was, "why God, why are you punishing me and ripping my heart wide open for everyone in my family to see?" My faith at that moment was filled with anger and betrayal similar to seeing Evelyn's straight pig tails. Filled with anger and armed with grass seed and a bucket of water I visited Evelyn's plot days later. This time rather than dipping my fingertips into a cup of water I was hitting the dirt with a garden trowel. I placed my speaker on the top of her bench and played her favorite songs. I haven't felt anger like that in a very long time. My worship songs all didn't make sense at that moment. God's promises of never leaving my side and "working all things out for the good" all felt like a lie. All I could do at that moment was fix the dirt. I dropped a bag of grass seed over her plot, I covered it with straw and promised Evelyn that I would be back to make sure that her plot is as beautiful as her bench. God feels like he has gone silent with me. To be perfectly honest I feel like God is pushing me to my limit and hitting me where I hurt the most. When my relationships suffer my grief of losing Evelyn feels like it's ripped wide open. Some of you reading this might be thinking, "Annette is losing it. She needs to stop dwelling on her daughter's death. It's time to move on and appreciate the life that she has been given." Respectfully, I want to disagree with you because since February 25th 2021 I have been giving God all the accolades. Right now I am in a space where my relationship with God is under attack. I want him to show up, embrace me and give me a break from complete unfairness of it all. ME. ME. ME. I know it sounds selfish but I want God to see me. See the pain. See all the prayers I have said. See the determination I have invested into making sure our family stays afloat. See ME God. Treat others the way you want to be treated. I didn't ask for this treatment. I don't think our family has done anything to deserve this treatment. The golden rule is confusing to me right now. I have taught my kids to always respect your elders, be grateful to God for the life we have been given and never stop believing in eternity. Today I am going to let someone else teach me. I'm waiting for my divine teacher to explain his lesson in these past 467 days. I thought I have been a good student but with any life lesson there is always more to be learned. I'm here God. Lay it on me. Stop being silent and remind me that I am not invisible in your eyes. I am already apologizing in advance for writing on social media about my anger. I couldn't keep quiet. With any relationship we have our moments of frustration and that is where I am with the "gift giver" known as God. While this is a very personal post it's also a very transparent post about my relationship with God. If there is anything I want you to remember it's this... I have no doubt that God does exists and heaven is real. My battle right now is my tattered relationship with him. Silence is hard and I want answers. We will be okay because God is worth the fight and I won't be taken down without it.
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AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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