"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
;A few weeks ago while preparing to wrangle up my two three year olds from their favorite kid care facility a little boy innocently looked at Clara and Lewis and said, "Awe, Mom look at them. I want 'squishy' eyes like they have." The mother immediately shushed her complimentary toddler and whispered a harsh, "don't say that." Since I was only feet away I quickly told the red faced Mom, "It's okay. He means no harm." I absolutely love this age. I love their curiosity. I love their boldness but most importantly; I love their innocence. Having taught first grade and kindergarten I embrace this innocence. I see what sponges they are and realize the great responsibility we have as adults to teach and educate these young minds. This comment about my Asian children having "squishy" eyes didn't come from a place of prejudice. His face told me he truly thought their squishy eyes were something unique to him. This little boy was probably four years old and most likely he hasn't come into contact with Asian children. I believe at that moment this little boy really did wish he had "squishy" eyes, (or as I like to tell my Norah, eyes that are shaped like yummy almonds). I think this little boy saw a difference just as if we would see a new hairstyle on someone and be slightly jealous of them. I think his comment came from a place of innocence of purely being a child.
This comment has given me the chance to do some soul searching about questions that have been made about my adopted children. Comments and questions that seem to pop up more and more frequently among adults and not that of four year olds. This is a touchy topic because I don't like confrontation. I avoid drama and I like to see only the good in people. My hopes in telling you what I am about to tell you is to educate you and hope that you will pass it on to others who may not have adopted children. As a child my Father had a favorite question that he would ask me, "What did you learn today, Annette? He would also say, "You know a day isn't "complete" until you have learned at least one thing." Dad, I am honoring you today in the hopes that what I am about to say will "complete" at least one persons day. I hope you will finish reading this blog and say to yourself, "I never thought of it that way." Our family is an open book. In our small town we are known. When my older kids are in school you will find me hand in hand out and about with Clara and Lewis. If you don't already know me, a typical first time interaction with a stranger will go something like this... person smiles at me and then immediately pans down to see Clara and Lewis. The next comment and question usually starts with... "Awe, they are so cute. How old? I say three. Then they say, (reasonably so) twins? I say, "No, five days apart and adopted at different times." Then I brace myself for the next question that usually follows... "So they aren't siblings?" The non-confrontational person in me smiles and says they are now. This happens over and over. The same question... "So, they aren't siblings? Imagine for a moment how that must feel to my kids? Yes, they are only three but their language is very good. They understand everything these days. These are their "formative" years so imagine for a moment how this question, when asked over and over will begin to mold their thought process about who they are, who their family is and where they fit in. As an adoptive parent my life is focused on strong attachments with my adopted children because the loss they have endured is huge. Their background, whether it be institutional or foster care have loss attached to them and the stakes are big when it comes to creating relationships that are stable and secure. This comment, "so they aren't siblings" is so hurtful and painful. They do not share the same DNA but the four letters that they do share is simple... L-O-V-E. Which leads me to the next question and comment that adults seem to love to ask... "How much does it cost to adopt?" or "Your husband must have a really good job if you can have three adopted children." Since I am never alone these days these questions or comments are always made when my adopted children are standing right next to me. I will happily tell you how much I paid for my shoes that I got at a thrift store or the great deal I found at the grocery store on cereal BUT when a question arises about money and my children I will not share. They are not items. The paperwork, the social worker, the orphanage donation, the airline tickets all cost something but my three adopted children are people and they do not have a price tag attached to them. As far as our family finances are concerned and my husband having a "good job" well that one is simple... it's all God. Every single time we said yes to adopting we did it not knowing where the funds would come. Were we reckless in saying we had no plan B if we couldn't come up with the money? No, but we knew that God was at the center of these adoptions and we decided to make him bigger than our worries. God showed up every time. He came in the most unique ways. I am proud to say that I shop at thrift stores, garage sales and can pinch a penny until it almost bleeds. Our furniture is as old as the hills and I remind myself daily that money can be earned but children's lives cannot be saved if we wait around for our back account to be perfect. God never calls us to do anything when it is perfect. Remember that. Things will always be falling apart when he calls you to enter deep waters. Dan always reminds me that when things are falling apart they are actually coming together. So to sum this up... adoption costs something but my children do not. Loving them is free and making them a son and daughter is priceless. Finally, the last question which carries a word that makes my stomach turn is this... "Wow, you have seven children. How many are 'yours'?" This seems like an oxymoron. You were shocked I have seven children but then needed to ask how many are "mine"? If I find this confusing and offensive imagine how my three adoptive children feel when standing next to me when that question is asked. The non-confrontational person in me is suddenly having to become assertive yet graceful with my approach with people. I truly believe in the goodness of people and the desire to understand why we choose to adopt. I honestly get that BUT I now see that I am put into a position to educate people every single time when these questions and comments are made because of the long lasting effects it will leave on my children. The saying, "no question is a bad question" doesn't apply because when asked in front of my adopted children its purpose is not helpful only hurtful BUT then I go back to that little four year old boy who innocently admired my kids squishy eyes and I remind myself that adults are sometimes innocent as well. I remind myself that our family is unique in the best way imaginable. We have opened ourselves up to encounter these questions. Going forward I am educating while correcting. I will do my best to gracefully respond so that adults will walk away learning how to talk to adoptive families appropriately and most importantly look at who their audience is. If I could say one thing that I would like you to walk away from it would be this... when you see an adoptive family please think about your question before asking it. Don't think for a moment that the children aren't listening to the conversation because they are. This is their story and they are listening to see what you want to know about their story. I love the opportunity to share the story of our family. It is a privilege and honor to share our love story with you all. Our family is stronger and my faith is larger than life because those of you who continue to show up. This is the price that comes with blessings. "When much has been given, much will be asked." My responsibility is to my children and to educating. If I can help bring more families to the beauty of adoption or the sensitivity "their story" then I have done my job. Now, for the sake of my Father please tell someone that you learned something new today and that your day is now complete.
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AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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