"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
I took this picture on the eve of Evelyn's surgery... Dan's hand so bravely signing a consent form to multiple heart surgeries. Heart surgeries that would either give the gift of life or take a life; the life of my little girl.
Confession number one... people think I'm brave. Nope, not brave. Actually I'm afraid of lots of things. One of the biggest things many of you may not know about me is that I was DEATHLY afraid of my parents dying. I'm talking terrified! I equate my anxiety of death to a couple of things... first one, I was a child of older parents. I am the youngest of eight siblings and when I finally came along my parents were 45, (ironic I know since Evelyn is now 4 and I am turning 48 in a couple of weeks. Insert God's masterplan). Anyway, having older parents made me fear them leaving me at a young age. I worried that my parents would never see me get my driver's license, graduate, get married and having kids seemed like a fairy tale. The second reason for my fear of death was one that shook me to my core. When I was thirteen years old my parents and I were involved in a horrible drunk driving accident. I witnessed my father get placed on a gurney and prepped for the Flight For Life. I remember a nurse wheeling my Dad next to my gurney and telling me to say goodbye to my Dad since "it might be the last time I see him." Those words are forever ingrained in my brain. Imagine that, a young teenager hearing those words, "you might not see your father again." Fear. Intense fear that followed me into adulthood. I became almost obsessed with making sure my parents were safe. After getting married and starting a family of my own my parents would drive the 75 mile trek to visit our little family. When they would leave I would make sure they would call the moment they got home, and If they didn't I would begin worrying as if I was that young seventh grader laying on the gurney saying goodbye to my Dad. Deep down I knew it was irrational but the seed of fear had been planted and I didn't know how to conquer it. How is that for a confession? Death was not my friend. Confession number two... as a young kid I was always picked last. If you were born in my generation than you most likely remember the good old days of "picking teams" during Phy Ed class or recess. Here is my version of how "picking teams" would play out in Annette's world as a grade schooler... "Ricky" and "Jim" would become team captains and the pool of peers would eagerly await their name being called, validating that they were "chosen" to be on their beloved team. The pool of kids would eventually dwindle down to the "Not-Quites" and then remaining few, (me included) would almost become a bargaining tool where the captains would go back and forth with who would get the "leftovers". TORTURE! I was a well liked kid and maybe it was because I pretended that it didn't bother me BUT whenever the teacher would announce "let's pick teams" my heart would sink and I knew it was time to put on my biggest and best act with a smile and a funny joke. Confession number two... I was the girl picked last, the leftover, the "Not-Quite". Okay, confession time is over. Now my job is to let you know how in the world these confessions have changed me for the good. Yes, GOOD. I am a firm believer in signs. I trust God with everything I have and know that he gets the final call in my life and in those I love the very most. Did I always see it this way? No way! I looked at God as my personal vending machine... I would insert prayers and trust that my requests would be dropped in my lap. The vending machine prayers seemed to serve me well until the year I traveled to Guatemala and saw despair upon despair; that's when I realized that God doesn't always "play fair" and drop the answers to your prayers in your lap. Over these past 9 years God has continued to open my eyes wider, stretched my faith further and taught me the biggest lesson of all... the vending machine of prayers was missing something huge... ME and my "relationship" with God. Over the past 9 years my journey with him has been one of the most difficult of walks BUT it's also been one of the most authentic of walks. I've realized that he knows me and used my fear of death to show me that I could carry it with his help. He was transforming me from the inside out. Holding my parent's hands as they were passing away didn't make me brave it me bolder in my faith. I can now see how God took a scared and timid girl and waited for just the right time to truly test my faith. I realized the "vending machine" was just a figment of my imagination and my "relationship" with God had changed in the most beautiful of ways. God was no longer this imaginary character that you pray to when you want something but rather our Father to talk to when you want to cry, celebrate and contemplate life decisions. Step by step, test after test... God continued to refine me. I have watched Dan sign multiple consent forms for our heart warriors. I have watched him bravely pick up a pen and sign his name agreeing to complex heart surgeries over the past five years for three of our kids. I can honestly tell you that this last heart surgery and its consent form was very different. In the depth of my soul and in the pit of my heart I knew that God was not promising us Evelyn's life here on this earth. My relationship with God was being put to the test once again. TRUST. God had taken three people from me within the last eight years; my Dad, my Mom and my brother. Deep down I was worried that in some way or another he was preparing me for one of the biggest of losses... the death of my child. While Dan was signing a piece of paper I was signing my own consent with God. I remember it vividly... I snapped the picture that you see above and then I told God I trusted him with his decision because he was in charge. HUGE GROWTH from the girl who feared death. HUGE GROWTH from the girl who was always picked last. I knew God chose Evelyn and yes, even me because in a sense we were the people who were not "chosen". It turns out that God was and is looking for the "Not-Quites" to shout to the world about all of his goodness and faithfulness. Being "chosen" last for Phy Ed was actually a blessing. God knew that he would choose me later in life to be on his team. He knew I would be picked for a purpose and that his game was one that would bring me lasting satisfaction. I still have this beautiful vision of the sun coming in on Evelyn's face only a couple of days after her surgery. She was still in critical condition and we were reminded that we were definitely not out of the woods. Once again, God got my attention and made it crystal clear that he was in charge. The sun shined brightly on her face. It was at that moment that I didn't dwell on her ventilator, her monitors and her current status but rather I knew she was one of the "chosen". God used the little girl who no one expected to survive and he asked her to be brave by allowing him to show the world her tremendous purpose here on earth. I watched Evelyn team up with God at that moment and I soon realized that they were now the captains and they were picking their teams. I can tell you this, there is no better feeling than having God be the captain and having HIM choose you to be on HIS team. I am not brave friends. I am one of the "Not-Quites", the girl who swims against the current, the one who many see as a "Bible Thumper"... I am one of God's chosen and that is a team that I am proud to be on. Whether you are picked first or last God will always find a spot for you on his team. YOU have a purpose. YOU have meaning. YOU are going to be used in a spectacular way if you allow him to choose you. I can look back on my childhood now and see that God used all my fears, failures and hurts for a purpose. I also know that my Mom, Dad and brother, Marty are all very much present here in spirit. I no longer have the ability to see them physically but God being God has definitely made it known that they are at peace and I WILL see them again. Until then, this little girl who feared death is now going to be the posterchild on how to live life to its fullest!! The moral of the story is that everyone has a purpose... Don't let anyone steal that from YOU!! God is teaching you something through your fears. Open your heart to what he is trying to do. The walk gets harder when you live closer to him but I ASSURE you that you will never feel more alive when you let down your guard and live authentically. Live today as if it was your last day and love bigger than you ever have before! From the girl picked last... much love to you all.
3 Comments
Tami Bet z
1/15/2021 03:17:28 pm
You are amazing with words!! I envy how you can take these feeling and express them so vividly! Thank you😘
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Jane Skoug
1/16/2021 08:37:41 am
Annette, very beautifully written. I related to so much. Being the youngest of seven and the youngest in class and most definitely the runt of everything, I related to the fear of older parents, and being either picked last or told I was too small to play at all. Every time I read the Bible I am reminded that God chooses the left overs. Know that your story has brought so many closer to God, and his plan for us all. For that reminder, by praying for your family, we have been closer to His plan for us. Thank you.
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Frank Paynter
3/3/2021 11:15:35 am
Annette, I'm an old man from Wisconsin, retired, living with my wife in California to be near my son and his family. I read the Madison paper to stay connected, and when I read Evelyn's short obituary today I was heartbroken. How could such a dear sweet girl be taken, I wondered. So I googled her name and I found out more about her and her family. Please accept my sympathy for your loss. Thank you for sharing your love and concern for her and for the gift of love you gave her in this short period you all had to be with her. May your faith strengthen her brothers and sisters in this sad time. Again, my deepest condolences to all who knew and loved her.
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AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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