"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
I've been punished and it is for my own good. This post is about being "real" and showing you, my dear readers how even adults can get into trouble and need a time to sit out on the sidelines and get a "talking to". I'm in that space right now. In fact I have been in that space for awhile but God finally said, "Annette, you need a time out. You haven't listened to my warnings so now take a seat and wait here until I return."
When my little ones make a bad decision; pull the hair of a sibling, lie, put hand sanitizer in my diet coke to see if something scientifically awesome happens, (yes, this did happen), whatever the bad choice is in our home we take a break and you have a "time out". We don't give it this specific name but the kids know there is a place you go to think, be still and wait until Dan or I appear to talk it over. I'm currently in that place... waiting and being still until God decides to give me the green light to get off my chair. This is not easy. In fact it is quite uncomfortable to be still and quiet. I have a lot to say. I have passions. I have kids to guide. A house to clean. A Mom to care for. I want to defend my actions just as my kids would do while putting them in their time out. I want to say, "God not now. Have you noticed that Dan has been traveling for the last two weeks? Have you noticed sickness has spread through our home? This is NOT the right time to put me in a time out. I simply cannot do it because too many people need me. I try to sneak off my chair but then am sent right back. This time I was sent back to my seat with a book. A birthday gift from my husband. Yes, my husband gave it to me but I truly believe God intended him to give it to me. It wasn't until I was in a time out that I decided to finally open the pages of the book. Had I not been scolded and told to sit and be still this book would still most likely be sitting next to my nightstand. Not only did God put me in a time out he took me out of my surroundings to sit. He took me out of my house. My space that some days can become my biggest enemy, my biggest trigger. It's my space to remind me of meals, calendars, a broken vacuum cleaner, a broken stove, an aging Mother. God planted me in a chair in a coffee shop with a book and said... "you are in a time out!" I sat with the quietness of my book. I began reading page after page. God noticed I was finally listening so he decided to come and "have his talk with me", however he came in the most unexpected way; through three widows. Yes, you read that correctly. Three widows. I chuckle now because at the time I was somewhat confused because I thought God told me to "be still and sit" and now these women are interrupting my "time out" by calling me over to their table. As I stood and made small talk I realized how much they were speaking to me about the real gifts of life. Their presence was their present to one another. Each one of these ladies lost their husbands, one just recently widowed within the last couple of weeks. Here they were connecting with one another. We spoke about life. About death. About what really matters when all is said and done. I am not a widow but I do know what it means to lose a loved one. I know what if feels like to begin smiling again after someone you love passes away. They told me how their friendship was rekindled because of one simple act. Being present. Showing up. One of these widows came to the funeral of another; it made such an impact on her that it rekindled a friendship and now serves as therapy for all of them. This little table of women reminded me of the moments when my life was "hard" due to my father's illness, our adoptions and heart surgeries. I watched people walk away who were close. I watched relationships become strained because it was hard to share time with me because my time, my season of life was calling me to serve others and not them. I had something in common with these widows for that moment. They reminded me that they understood. They lost relationships as well. They also reminded without saying a word how life is about people. People. This little coffee shop, the little square table with homemade egg sandwiches and freshly brewed coffee invited stillness. Presence. Accountability to ourselves. I returned to my chair. I returned to my time out. I held on to my book and just thought. I thought about my current calendar. My current "yesses". My current worries and fears. Who am I? I am a daughter of an aging Mom. I worry each and every day about her health. I worry that I am not filling her time enough. Her loneliness, her hours a day spent sitting in the house because it is too cold to go out. I worry about my kids, their health and their future. These worries are real but I think what I am discovering is that I can't control the fate of these worries. I can't control the outcome of old age, heart disease and abandonment of people. This is God's job and I think for awhile I have been trying to help him at his own profession. Who do I think I am? Do I really think God needs an extra set of hands? Do I really think that pushing harder and working faster will change the outcome? We have 24 hours in a day, no matter how you slice it. Whether you choose to sleep it away, work it away, nag it away, eat is away, drink it away, fight it away, complain it away... it all boils down to the SAME AMOUNT. I recently purged "things" thinking that was what my brain and my heart were telling me. Less is more. That initially felt good and it still feels good, but then the stove broke. No baked meals. We made do. Then the vacuum cleaner broke and no more clean carpets. We made do. Then my "time out". That's when it occurred to me. It's me. It's my yesses. It's my long to do list that I put upon myself. My "yes" to making people happy. My "yes" to making my Mom happy. My "yes" to working harder and getting things done 'right'. I know this about myself; if I work hard then it can be solved... Um, not exactly. You see working harder will not take away the heart disease that my children have. It won't suddenly take my Mom's Parkinson's disease away or change her age. Pushing harder won't take away poverty, it won't empty overfilled orphanages or change hearts of the naysayers. I'm discovering that these things that weigh heavily on my mind daily cannot be changed by me alone. I harp and harp about how God gives us all a calling and how we should use our gifts to the best of our abilities. BUT what happens when our calling makes us neglect other parts of our life... ourselves. My yesses, while they come from a place of love and good intentions are also making me more tired and less efficient. I want to be transparent. I want to be real so that maybe you can relate to parts of what I am saying and give yourself a "time out". My broken stove and broken vacuum cleaner I believe were little signs to stop doing more, cleaning more, baking more and just live a little with what you have right in front of you. My time in the chair at this coffee shop allowed me to see relationships of people. It also allowed me to feel my own heartbeat and hear my own breathing for a change. This is something I have missed. I have missed ME. Tomorrow will fill up because it always does. But the one difference that I am going to try to make is what I am going to fill it with. I am going to squeeze in stillness. Quietness. I am going to tell that guilt that loves to creep into my head to take a hike. I am going to tell myself my Mom has given birth to eight children and I don't have to take up their role. I have to be okay if I say no to people, to things, to demands. The very thing that I love the most about my life are the people in it. I love to love on them. I love to be passionate about their future, their safety their happiness HOWEVER if this passion goes unchecked for too long it could run you ragged and leave you tired and possibly even resentful. BUT you have clean counters and a to do list that is crossed off. Ask yourself, is it worth it? I did... it isn't. Tomorrow I will selfishly choose me. I will fill up my tank just a bit before hitting the ground running. I will take myself off my time out and promise that I will return to that chair to sit and be still again. My time out really wasn't a punishment at all. It was a flick on my forehead to remember someone very special... ME. Thank you God for putting me in my place and reminding me who I really am.
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AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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