"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
Those three little words... "I'm not afraid".
Life changing. Encouraging. Beautiful. My Mom left me a gift before she passed. Only days before she passed she proved to me that heaven exists. Having a Mother as your roommate for six years you tend to get closer than close. Some days we would laugh at how we could finish a sentence for each other and other days we could cry with how we could sense sadness that would reside in our hearts due to my Dad and her soulmate passing away years prior. For those of you who never had the pleasure of meeting my Mom, I'm so sorry... she was a gift. She was a treasure. She was funny. She was unique and she was faithful. Wow, did she love God. She was devoted to her faith, her prayers and her relationship with the Holy family; but with everything in life she also had fears. She wrestled privately with one of her biggest worries... would she see God? Would she "really" see my Dad when her time would come to leave this earth? There were nights when we would be watching television together and out of the blue my Mom would look over at me and say, "are you sure?" There I would sit wondering... what? Am I sure I locked the doors? Turned off the oven? her response, "No, are you sure I'll see Bernie? How do you really know I'll see God?" That type of conversation would pop up out of the blue and now as I look back on our years together those conversations seemed to pop up more regularly over the last year of her life. I spent a lot of time reassuring my Mom, (the faithful leader of our family) that she didn't need to be afraid. I reminded her of the final days and hours of my Dad. I reminded her of all the "signs" and "love notes" my Dad left for her after he passed. I would recite scripture about not being afraid. I knew my Mom's faith was strong but I also knew she had a human struggle that was so real and raw on certain days. All I could do was be the voice to her prayers that she would faithfully pray day after day. Reminders that God was faithful. God would never abandon her and that he had chosen her to live with him forever. Fast forward to July 12th, 2018 (three days before my Mom passed). My Mom was on her way to heaven's gates. She had led our family days before down a path that only God could ordain. She ushered her family to her bedside for days, (11 to be exact) to give us the opportunity to share in her faith, witness God in action and yes, to cry at the upcoming departure of one of my most favorite people in the entire world. This particular day though my Mom whispered three little words to me. I heard it as if she had a megaphone attached to her mouth, instead it was quiet, faint but yet clear. My Mom whispered, "I'm not afraid." she then said, "I see him. The anticipation I felt for her at that moment was overwhelming. She wasn't afraid! She saw "him" was it my Dad? Was it God? It didn't matter to me because she said the three little words... "I'm not afraid". My Mom continued to gift us three more days of beautiful glimpses of heaven on her journey. Finally on July 15th of 2018 her work on this earth was complete. God called her and she bravely began her eternal life with him. I have no doubt my Mom is in heaven. She has sent me some very specific hugs from heaven reminding me that she is near. Heaven is near. I smile and cry at the thought of her love and her closeness. The year anniversary of her death was the hardest anniversary. I handled many "firsts" without her this year but the "11 day journey" she took us on was so hard for me. I wanted those days back in the biggest way. I yearned for her and for those glimpses of heaven. My faith is strong but this past July there were days that I definitely wrestled with my sadness. I wanted my Mom. If I allowed myself to walk down that slippery slope of faith I would find myself sad at the fact that she was no longer here; she entered the gates only for me to be here on the other side wondering when the next time I would get close to her again. BUT then a hug from heaven would find its way to my heart and I would replace my sadness with her reminder of "I'm not afraid". Those three words. What a gift. Thanks to my talented cousin I will forever wear my Mom's words on my wrist. "I'm not afraid." The cuff bracelet is a reminder that she is in heaven. She is at peace. I cannot imagine a better gift given. Moving forward without her earthly body is different. Our house feels different. Holidays look different. My time during the day is different. Different is scary at times but knowing my Mom isn't afraid will be my life motto from now on... "I'm not afraid". I can't promise that I will be getting on the next roller coaster BUT I will be following God's call out into the deep waters of life. I've faced some pretty scary giants over the last several years. The more I walk in faith the larger the giants become. BUT God has made promises; the same promises that I would remind my Mom. As I sit with my fingers to the keyboard tonight I find myself 6,000 miles away in a different country with my oldest child...Israel. Talk about facing your fears... she did it head on. She answered a calling that I know God planted years ago. God allowed me to join her in a country I never imagined I would visit. I chuckle at God's sense of humor yet reminder of his love... Israel, the country where David fought the "Giant". A boy with a slingshot who chose to stand boldly in faith went on to become the most well-known king of Israel. Israel. Yup, got it God. He brought me to the Holy land most likely for multiple reasons of which I'm figuring out but one that cannot be denied is to continue to fight my giants. A giant can be as big as you make it to be. Grab your slingshot and stare that giant in the face. Live your life knowing that your eternal life is waiting for you. Live life knowing that you will see your loved ones again. Live a life that blesses other people and leaves a legacy when you are no longer on this side. My Mom and Dad are waiting for me. I look forward to seeing their faces again but I know God isn't through with me yet. Thank you Mom. Thank you for your three words that will get me through the challenges of life... "I'm not afraid." This post is dedicated to those of you who are struggling with the loss of a loved one. Whether it be a family member, a neighbor, or a friend named, Millie; remind yourself that they are near. Heaven is near. God is near. Live a life that would make them proud.
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AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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