"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
It has been a long time since I have written. The words that would so easily flow have been bottled up. I spent the summer being authentic with my kids, our animals and my own need for space from the world and all of its busyness. The weeks of summer were loud and messy; but oddly it was just what I needed. Keeping my kids close this summer meant staying up late, waking up late, catching lightening bugs in jelly jars, watching our mama barn cats deliver kittens, building houses out of cardboard boxes, watching the kids learn how to cartwheel on a balance beam outside, berry picking, egg picking, walking with our donkeys and goats through the woods, showers with a hose, sprinkler parties on the trampoline and finally eating ice cream and ice pops anytime we wanted.
The summer brought a warmth to my heart when I needed it most. It made me look at my kids individually. I needed to reclaim my purpose in life of being a mother and make lasting memories all while holding on tightly to the cherished memories of Evelyn. To me that is one of the most difficult and heart wrenching battles I face on a daily basis... creating lasting memories when someone will always be missing from that memory. I tear up inside just typing that. The knot in my stomach tells me that this grief of mine is constantly there but I'm trying to manage it in a way that allows me to live a life that Evelyn would be proud of. The picture above is what I would like to title "The Evie Effect". Evelyn didn't waste time on this earth; she cut to the chase and immediately began reeling people into her spirit, her love for life and her ability to bring strangers together for the good. Pay attention to this story, don't skim because I believe Evelyn wanted me to share this with you all. She obviously could see that my book and my writings were beginning to collect dust so she sent me a stranger to revive my heart... My stranger showed up in the most unique place... a sub shop. While I was ordering a sub I noticed a man standing next to me waiting to order. I have been told by my kids that I am a horrible when glancing at people, rather than quickly glancing I stop and stare. I do it, I admit to it BUT when I see someone or something that makes me smile or laugh I will soak it in. Getting back to my sub story, I couldn't help but notice he was dressed in all blue. Blue t-shirt, blue pants, black shoes and a walkie talkie hanging out of his pocket. Upon further looking, (yes staring) I realized his shirt said volunteer fire department on the back. That quick little glance made me act on something that was out of my control. I looked over to my stranger friend and told him that I noticed his shirt and wanted to buy him his meal. He immediately said, "no that's not necessary, pay it forward to the person next in line." As we both looked it was obvious that we were the only two people in line. It was at that point when the young employee so humorously said, "Dude, you better just let her buy it because she doesn't look like she's going to take no for an answer." As we walked out of the sub shop together I explained to him how important first responders are to our family. I showed him a picture of Evelyn which was hanging off of my backpack and I told him that it not only took the EMTs to help save Evelyn but also firefighters. I explained how a firetruck was dispatched to the scene which allowed the driver of the ambulance to go in the back of the ambulance to give additional support to the crew. Without hesitation a firefighter hopped in the driver's seat and skillfully but quickly drove to the hospital. I explained how our family has two other kids with complex heart conditions and I am grateful to those who sacrifice their time and talent. I told him that while our story ended tragically it doesn't unnoticed that there are many stories that have happy endings. He thanked me and we went on our way to our separate vehicles, OR SO I THOUGHT... Within moments of getting in my van I felt a tap on my window and I found my new sub friend motioning to me to roll down my window. He asked me if our family had an AED machine (Automated External Defibrillator). I said no and he handed me a ripped piece of paper with his email address telling me to email him because "he was going to see what he could do." He went on to say that while he didn't know the exact specifics with Evelyn's emergency he wanted to see if he could do something to prevent future tragedies in our family. I closed up my window and felt goosebumps traveling down my legs. Tears started flowing before I could even back out of the stall. I looked at the ripped piece of paper in disbelief that this actually just happened. Just as Evelyn was taken away in a split second I felt her spirit SO profoundly in that moment. The "Evie Effect" is what I like to call the ripple effect of kindness and love. She embodied love and happiness. Evelyn was small but many of you know her love of life and her love of her family. The idea of having an AED machine in our home from a perfect stranger didn't make sense but knowing Evelyn was behind this only seemed logical that this was her way of keeping her family safe... She essentially was and is "reviving our hearts" that feel as if they have been stopped since February 25,2021. Last week while my heart was trying to embrace the summer and memories coming to an end I received a call, a very special call letting me know that a package was on its way to be personally delivered to our house. Moments later Dan and I found ourselves standing across from our new friend; a stranger in a sub shop to a friend standing on my front porch holding a new AED machine for our family. The "Evie Effect" is real. Her ability to bring people together is no joke. Even in heaven Evelyn is taking care of our family. I look at the silly grin on Evie's face in the picture above and I can almost hear what she would be saying... "I did it! I so brave and so are you!" Reviving the hearts of our family, my marriage and my state of mind, the AED machine is symbolic of that and so much more. I cannot step back into time, nor can I live as if time hasn't continued to move. Carrying Evelyn with me while our family continues to revive our hearts is where I am today. I have never cried more than I have in the past 1.5 years. I have never missed someone so much in all my life. I have never been as angry with God as I have since February 25th but I have never felt more in touch with me, I look at this as Evelyn living inside of me. While her physical body is no longer here I am fortunate to feel her presence so strongly at times. I am slowing down, opening my eyes wider and listening to that voice inside of me when it says "go" because that is when Evelyn is on the move. My tiny teacher Evelyn continues to show me the path in life... love as if it's your last day, give as if you have a million dollars in your pocket, be true to yourself. Being unique is special so throw out the cookie cutters and stop living for others. Be you, unapologetically YOU and finally forgive others. God and I have come a long way in the past 1.5 years. He has remained steadfast and true even when I wanted to walk away. Revival of my heart... it's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. What do you need to revive in your life? Don't let another day get wasted thinking about it. Be brave. Be bold. Be like Evelyn and create your own ripple effect.
3 Comments
Chris Dewey
9/8/2022 10:09:32 pm
Today I came upon a good friend whose Mom was my favorite teacher & taught with my biological Dad, We talked about grieving & how it never really ends. While reading this post I think of how Evie has had an impact on my life. I think about her every day. She was so full of life & I can't tell you how many times I asked God, why Evie who had so much love to share? Going back to my conversation this morning I told my friend it's been almost 65 years since my Dad died & I miss him every day. There is no timeline for grieving someone we love; I pray that with time your memories will replace the pain in your heart! My Pastor said something so simple during a recent service that has stuck with me: Ask God to help me Please! God Bless you & your family always!
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Joe Rains
9/10/2022 11:27:41 pm
God is holding Evie's hand as they watch over you. With her by His side they see what you need and when you need it. He is using Evie to pull you closer to Him so that your eternal life will be one of great bliss. Shine on beautiful soul.
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AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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