"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
As I sit and peck at my keyboard I am for once at a loss for words. Thoughts consume me every second of the day but consolidating them into one complete thought isn't as easy as it once was. Writing which once came easily for me is now a bit debilitating. I get weak at the thought of sharing my feelings because they aren't filled with my usual uplifting words; words reminding everyone to find your passion in life and run for it. I've been walking side by side for years with this family of mine. We've hit hills, mountains, valleys BUT through it all we've seen miracles and victories.
I've sat down for weeks and have just stared at my keyboard because what I really want to share doesn't seem fair for those who are looking for the "silver lining", the "miracle", the "powerful moment" that has allowed our family to move through this grief. Instead I want to bang the keyboard with intense anger and sadness at the complete unfairness of it all. Today I have decided to channel that energy and do what Evelyn has always asked of me... put my toes to the ledge and jump. God gifted her the ability to make others believe in themselves and in God's powerful love. While I am hurt by God's decision to take away my shadow I am honoring Evelyn today by believing in myself. I have always said that God put a pen in my hand to document Evelyn's life. His purpose for her life was far beyond what I ever imagined. He used my daughter for greatness; not just her own greatness but EVERYONE who he allowed to enter her circle. If you are reading this and have been touched by Evelyn personally then consider yourself fortunate and truly blessed. I have a fire in my heart. The fire consists of two feelings; extreme grief and extreme love. I'm running head first through the fires beginning today; Evelyn is getting what she has always expected from me today... toes to the ledge and jumping in faith. The book that I have been privately writing for years now has been temporarily shelved to make time for my new book. As Evelyn's Mom I need to walk through the fires while documenting my intense grief yet undying love for a child who I KNOW was put on this earth for a purpose. I am going to make you so proud Evelyn. Faith over fear. Hold my hand and protect my heart as the pages come together. Your life was meant to be shared. I promise I will honor that everyday of my life. "I so brave." Evelyn Kruschek
1 Comment
Nicki Tremain-Woodcock
10/5/2021 04:28:35 am
Dearest I can understand your pain and anger. I lived with a very special Mom, who mourned my older brother's death for over 50 years. There is no timeline for grief, but we shouldn't ignore it. We should be able to mourn in our own time. It doesn't go completely away over time, we loved them and they were a part of our lives, no matter how long. My brother Stevie lived to be a year and a half old before he succumbed to his congenital lung disease. My Mom mourned him for the rest of her life, and now her urn is buried with Stevie, where she wanted to be. Feel how you need to feel to barrel through this pain. I love you guys Nicki
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AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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