"Upsetting the "normal" while creating the beautiful." Annette Kruschek |
I'm a saver at heart. I try my best to donate but often times when it comes to my kids and their baby clothes I fail miserably. All of my kids have "special boxes" that they get to look at when they turn 18. Random artwork, favorite "lovies", and of course favorite clothes make their way into the special boxes. A couple of weeks ago I found myself organizing these boxes in the basement. I got curious as to what was in Hattie's box and began taking a walk down memory lane. Her box had her favorite doll named, Edna along with her homemade blankie made by her Great Grandma Esther sitting at the top. I'm sure many of you can relate when I say, "it feels like just yesterday" that these items were used. It wasn't until I pulled the blanket away did I see the overalls staring back at me. These weren't just any ordinary pair of overalls, oh no! These overalls were given as a gift when Hattie was born. I vividly remember opening the gift and thinking to myself, "wow, it's going to take a long time before she can fit into these." Well, it took Hattie 16 months before she could finally wear them. When putting them on her 19 years ago I remember thinking, what a "big girl" she was and how much she had grown in a mere 16 months. I also remember one of the last times Hattie ever wore those overalls; they no longer could be adjusted to fit and I was sad that it was time to say goodbye to the faithful faded overalls. Needless to say, the overalls definitely made the cut for going in the "special box".
19 years has passed since the overalls were worn... that was until TODAY! I was like a giddy school girl when I pulled them out of Hattie's special box. I knew in my heart God was teaching me a lesson and wanted me to purposely stumble across these overalls a couple of weeks ago. The pictures above makes me giggle. Hattie at 16 months old and Evelyn at 34 months old. Sisters. The oldest and the youngest sharing the same 20 year old overalls. Beautiful. Here is the lesson I learned. I think back to that 25 year old Mom. The Mom who used to worry if her firstborn wasn't napping long enough or napping too long, was she meeting her correct milestones? Where did she fall on the growth chart? Would she be ready for kindergarten? Would she have friends in school? On and on and on. I wish I could go back to that younger version of me and tell her that it will be okay. The stuff we tend to worry ourselves about when our children are growing often times is quite trivial. I'm not suggesting that milestones, academics and friends aren't important but when you look at the big picture of life and step away from the "same game" that is when you get to see your children for who they are. Being a Mom to three special needs children I can honestly tell you that it is because of them that I am learning the secret to a happy life. I'm not suggesting that I wasn't happy prior to life with special needs BUT God has aligned our family to see the beauty of each day. When doctors can't promise what the next step will be and the future isn't crystal clear; I can say with complete certainty that today matters and tomorrow is a gift. As I put the faded 20 year old overalls on Evelyn I smiled thinking she's over twice the age that Hattie was when she wore them. These little overalls are covering a very complex heart that 20 years ago would have brought me to my knees. The overalls are now being worn by a little girl who isn't meeting any of the milestones of a 34 month old. She isn't eating any solid food. She might not even enter kindergarten with peers her own age BUT you know what? It's beautiful. She's beautiful. She has this ability slow our family down. She even has that effect on those who have now met her in person and others who have just gotten to know her through her story. Evelyn is a walking example of the "golden rule", ( do unto others as you would have them do unto you). Evelyn's only mission in life right now is to completely love those who love her back. Simple enough. She isn't concerned with charts, milestones, survival rates etc.. She only cares how well you love. Evelyn is hitting her own milestones; milestones that a medical team had concerns we would never see. Oh baby do I love it when this little 24 lbs. warrior proves people wrong! So for Evelyn's sake, stop worrying about tomorrow and enjoy today. To all those who parent children with special needs please remember this... God sees them and he sees you. There is a reason why the name "special" is attached to their need. We as parents get to sit front row and center to seeing what God is doing in their life and the lives of those who come into contact with them. I have met some of the most beautiful families and have been introduced to some of the most intelligent doctors and nurses since we said yes to special needs. I've learned more about myself as a parent. I've realized that it's okay to speak up. Years ago confrontation was not my game at all. Today I would like to think that my kids know that I speak up for inclusion, fairness and most importantly kindness. All of this I believe is due to three little heart warriors joining our family. Dear younger me, if I could tell you one thing 20 years ago it would be this... you will be okay. You will have a house messier than you probably imagined, laundry higher that you ever thought possible and more doctor appointments than you ever expected BUT you will also fill your house with more kids than you ever imagined, love your husband more than the day you met and you will cherish every day of being a parent. Younger me, you will survive the tantrums, the sleepless nights, the first dates, the break ups, the graduations. You will survive it all because your little crew known as your children will actually be carrying you in life. Dear younger me, enjoy it all. Savor it. Be grateful and look your children in the eyes one by one and thank them for the gift of them. I encourage you to dig up something from the past that reminds you of your path into parenthood. Our paths are all different. They all are messy at times but we have the opportunity to learn from them. Thanks to these faded little overalls I was able to learn a valuable lesson today. I think it's fair to say that I can finally thank myself for being a saver at heart.
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NEVER SETTLE...
" I never have, and I never will" Out of the mouth of my 19 year old son, Charlie. One thing I have learned over the years of parenting is that our time is SO short when it comes to molding, modeling, influencing, teaching and correcting. As each year passes and our children grow they emerge into their own being. Once they have reached adulthood it is time for them to take what they have learned from us and make their mark. My second eldest came home the other night; he bought himself a "gift" before he leaves on his big journey for the next six months. Charlie and his Dad had conversations about his "gift" but thought it might be a wise idea to surprise me once it was all done. The "gift" Charlie bought himself was a permanent statement, one that he never wants to forget... NEVER SETTLE. No matter where you stand with your opinions of tattoos, one thing that cannot be disputed is the statement... NEVER SETTLE. I am SO proud of this son of mine. 19 years ago God entrusted my husband and I into the role of being his parents. The years of Thomas The Train, track layouts that stretched through the dining room, Lego creations, (oh my the years of lego creations), Minecraft, cornstalk fortresses at the "secret fort", snow caves by the street lamppost, examining Mother Nature's beauty and her sheer force, running into the storm with no fear and coming out on the other end with a picture worth a thousand words. 19 years of creative thinking, artistic talent and childlike wonder has brought him to this point... He has chosen a path that takes him away from the "standard" checkboxes that this world sometimes stresses far too much. He is boarding a plane for Iceland for the next three months and then will be placed in either in Asia or Central America for the following three months. Six months of a journey begins in 9 short days! He will be stretched in a way like never before; diving into scripture, growing a deeper relationship with God and learning how to best help the less fortunate while traveling the globe. YWAM (Youth With A Mission) is giving Charlie the opportunity to use his talent of photography while helping those who are most in need. I couldn't imagine a better fit for my son. He leaves as one person but will come home as a different, (different in the most beautiful way) person. I saw it with Hattie and am mentally preparing myself for it with our second eldest. It's a transformation like no other. I've always said, helping others has a boomerang effect... it always come around helping you more in the end. When I read the words Charlie launched into cyberspace the day he bought his "gift" I realized that his permanent mark left me permanently touched, "I never have, and I never will." (quote from Charlie). Thank you God. Thank you for the gift of allowing my husband and I to raise him. Seeing those words written by Charlie reminds me that he "gets it". Life isn't about getting comfortable, settling in, being "okay" with your situation. He understands that stepping out, climbing up, taking the narrow path all leads you to your purpose. We all have "that thing" that makes us tick. God gave it to you the moment your heart started beating and you took your first breath. It evolves over time and it brews like a beautiful cup of coffee over the course of many years. DON'T IGNORE IT! Don't "put it off" because the timing isn't right, (the timing will NEVER be right). Don't let the world box you into a few checkboxes. My favorite checkbox sometimes is the one that says, "other" because it always wants an explanation. Explain to the world why living a life of purpose is much more meaningful than a bank account chucked full of money. Money can be earned but lives will never be changed or saved while you are waiting for the "right time". Thank you for permanently touching me with your assertive words, Charlie. I promise to never settle as a Mom and my beliefs in what I hold true about this world. May we all live as you... never settling. Continue to do what you do best... capturing the beauty of this world through the lens of your camera and the love in your heart. I have no doubt lives will be changed because of you. I have one final question for you, Charlie and it's a serious one... can I be in the room when you show your Grandparents your "gift"? Ha! A WISH was born and granted from this simple yet very powerful photograph.
Almost two years ago Lewis found himself running the shores of the "big water", (as he likes to call it). Those sweet little toes touching the sand for the first time and the pure excitement in his eyes when looking at the beauty of the ocean was a snapshot in my mind that I will never forget. Almost two years ago Lewis ran the shores of the "big water" with the seagulls. At the time those pesky seagulls were only interested in one thing... Lewis's chip. It's a memory our family all watched play out before our very eyes. A seagull swooped down and snatched Lewis's beloved Dorito from his fingertips only to leave Big Lou empty handed. To know Lewis you would know that he is VERY specific about his food. He's like our little food critic. He loves to talk about it, eat it and save it. I am sure you can imagine his response when a pesky bird stole his precious snack without asking. He was M-A-D! Fast forward to this past winter... I found myself entertaining Lewis while he took his evening bath. This particular night Lewis noticed his swimming trunks hanging on the hook behind me. He very assertively said, "Mom, I want to go back to the 'big water' again. I want to go to that place. I want to feed a bird my chip." It took me a bit to really figure out what he was meaning but when I finally pieced it all together I knew he had remembered the moment that is pictured above; running the shores of the ocean with a smile bigger than life. His comment never left my mind. In fact I found it quite funny... the boy who never wants to share even a morsel was willing and even insisting on sharing his beloved chip with a pesky seagull. Well, weeks later Lewis had a doctor appointment with his cardiologist and he mentioned the bird, the "big water" and the chip. With those three words a WISH was formed many months ago and only weeks ago his WISH was GRANTED! Make A Wish... Three words I never envisioned would be a part of our family's story. In order to be eligible certain criteria needs to be met... a critical illness meaning progressive, degenerative or malignant condition that is placing the child's life in jeopardy. It's a club I never thought my children would be in. Years ago when envisioning being a Mother I never imagined my life the way it has played out. This "club" as I call it has a name... heart disease. It's scary, it's dangerous, it's risky and it's full of unknowns. Palliative Care Heart Transplant Single Ventricle These three words one could say describe all three of my heart children. BUT turn those three words inside out and what do you get... Medical Miracles HOPE Faith Over Fear I am an open book when it comes to questions about heart disease and the diagnosis of Clara, Lewis and Evelyn. Yes, it is their story and I am respectful of sharing only the details regarding their treatments, surgeries and hope for the future. Where I put a stop to the conversation is when people approach me in front of my kids and ask me why we willingly "took this on". My children have big beautiful ears and I promise they are listening to those types of questions. In our house we live on HOPE and live life for each day. No one is promised tomorrow. No matter how many kale smoothies and how many vitamins you take in a day I promise you are no more certain of tomorrow than my heart warriors. The only thing that Dan and I can control is how well we love. Lewis was granted his Make A Wish not because he is currently "sick" but rather because there is no "cure" for his heart condition. Clara, Lewis and Evelyn are considered "palliative care". This word almost turned me away from saying yes to Clara when we began our research into her heart condition. THANK GOD I listened to my wise husband years ago. That yes years ago has resulted in SO MANY memories and two additional brave souls into our family. September 8th our entire family will board two different planes enroute to the same destination... sand, ocean and seagulls. We're packing our bathing suits and filling our minds with only one thing FAMILY TIME. It's Lewis's time to SHINE. We will follow him around while he feeds his chip to the seagulls, eats ice cream for breakfast, rides a water slide or two and watches beautiful fireworks light up the sky. It's time that ALL my kids see that HOPE exists and LOVE WINS! To all those brave members who have walked the Make A Wish journey ahead of our family... it is an honor to be in your "club". God sees our journey and has never left us. Putting faith in front of fear is the motto our family will continue to live by. I only have one thing left to say... thank you to that pesky seagull for stealing Lewis's chip years ago. That small moment in time has blossomed into a WISH more grand than anyone in our family could imagine!! Those three little words... "I'm not afraid".
Life changing. Encouraging. Beautiful. My Mom left me a gift before she passed. Only days before she passed she proved to me that heaven exists. Having a Mother as your roommate for six years you tend to get closer than close. Some days we would laugh at how we could finish a sentence for each other and other days we could cry with how we could sense sadness that would reside in our hearts due to my Dad and her soulmate passing away years prior. For those of you who never had the pleasure of meeting my Mom, I'm so sorry... she was a gift. She was a treasure. She was funny. She was unique and she was faithful. Wow, did she love God. She was devoted to her faith, her prayers and her relationship with the Holy family; but with everything in life she also had fears. She wrestled privately with one of her biggest worries... would she see God? Would she "really" see my Dad when her time would come to leave this earth? There were nights when we would be watching television together and out of the blue my Mom would look over at me and say, "are you sure?" There I would sit wondering... what? Am I sure I locked the doors? Turned off the oven? her response, "No, are you sure I'll see Bernie? How do you really know I'll see God?" That type of conversation would pop up out of the blue and now as I look back on our years together those conversations seemed to pop up more regularly over the last year of her life. I spent a lot of time reassuring my Mom, (the faithful leader of our family) that she didn't need to be afraid. I reminded her of the final days and hours of my Dad. I reminded her of all the "signs" and "love notes" my Dad left for her after he passed. I would recite scripture about not being afraid. I knew my Mom's faith was strong but I also knew she had a human struggle that was so real and raw on certain days. All I could do was be the voice to her prayers that she would faithfully pray day after day. Reminders that God was faithful. God would never abandon her and that he had chosen her to live with him forever. Fast forward to July 12th, 2018 (three days before my Mom passed). My Mom was on her way to heaven's gates. She had led our family days before down a path that only God could ordain. She ushered her family to her bedside for days, (11 to be exact) to give us the opportunity to share in her faith, witness God in action and yes, to cry at the upcoming departure of one of my most favorite people in the entire world. This particular day though my Mom whispered three little words to me. I heard it as if she had a megaphone attached to her mouth, instead it was quiet, faint but yet clear. My Mom whispered, "I'm not afraid." she then said, "I see him. The anticipation I felt for her at that moment was overwhelming. She wasn't afraid! She saw "him" was it my Dad? Was it God? It didn't matter to me because she said the three little words... "I'm not afraid". My Mom continued to gift us three more days of beautiful glimpses of heaven on her journey. Finally on July 15th of 2018 her work on this earth was complete. God called her and she bravely began her eternal life with him. I have no doubt my Mom is in heaven. She has sent me some very specific hugs from heaven reminding me that she is near. Heaven is near. I smile and cry at the thought of her love and her closeness. The year anniversary of her death was the hardest anniversary. I handled many "firsts" without her this year but the "11 day journey" she took us on was so hard for me. I wanted those days back in the biggest way. I yearned for her and for those glimpses of heaven. My faith is strong but this past July there were days that I definitely wrestled with my sadness. I wanted my Mom. If I allowed myself to walk down that slippery slope of faith I would find myself sad at the fact that she was no longer here; she entered the gates only for me to be here on the other side wondering when the next time I would get close to her again. BUT then a hug from heaven would find its way to my heart and I would replace my sadness with her reminder of "I'm not afraid". Those three words. What a gift. Thanks to my talented cousin I will forever wear my Mom's words on my wrist. "I'm not afraid." The cuff bracelet is a reminder that she is in heaven. She is at peace. I cannot imagine a better gift given. Moving forward without her earthly body is different. Our house feels different. Holidays look different. My time during the day is different. Different is scary at times but knowing my Mom isn't afraid will be my life motto from now on... "I'm not afraid". I can't promise that I will be getting on the next roller coaster BUT I will be following God's call out into the deep waters of life. I've faced some pretty scary giants over the last several years. The more I walk in faith the larger the giants become. BUT God has made promises; the same promises that I would remind my Mom. As I sit with my fingers to the keyboard tonight I find myself 6,000 miles away in a different country with my oldest child...Israel. Talk about facing your fears... she did it head on. She answered a calling that I know God planted years ago. God allowed me to join her in a country I never imagined I would visit. I chuckle at God's sense of humor yet reminder of his love... Israel, the country where David fought the "Giant". A boy with a slingshot who chose to stand boldly in faith went on to become the most well-known king of Israel. Israel. Yup, got it God. He brought me to the Holy land most likely for multiple reasons of which I'm figuring out but one that cannot be denied is to continue to fight my giants. A giant can be as big as you make it to be. Grab your slingshot and stare that giant in the face. Live your life knowing that your eternal life is waiting for you. Live life knowing that you will see your loved ones again. Live a life that blesses other people and leaves a legacy when you are no longer on this side. My Mom and Dad are waiting for me. I look forward to seeing their faces again but I know God isn't through with me yet. Thank you Mom. Thank you for your three words that will get me through the challenges of life... "I'm not afraid." This post is dedicated to those of you who are struggling with the loss of a loved one. Whether it be a family member, a neighbor, or a friend named, Millie; remind yourself that they are near. Heaven is near. God is near. Live a life that would make them proud. This is proof that the life she's living on the outside matches what her heart is saying on the inside. Hattie's smile; her very genuine smile that I have known for 20 years is aligned with her heart.
Last week Hattie was invited to have a traditional Shabbat dinner with a family living in Israel. She walked away from that two hour meal blown away by both their hospitality and the similarities between this family and her own. You see, this family has eight children as well. Hattie became fast friends with their eldest. I am sure these two young women had lots of stories to share of what it's like being the oldest of eight. By the end of the evening these two were sharing emails and looking forward to the next time they would meet. I continue to think how Hattie's experiences this summer in Israel is possibly teaching me just as much as it is teaching her. She used a word the other day that literally hit me across head. She said, "Mom, I can't explain it but the people here are very intentional." "Life is slower here in a way hard to explain. I like it." "When someone says, "how are you? They mean it and really want to know." Living intentionally. What does that mean? Well, for many it can mean different things. But I think when you get to the core of being intentional you are saying... "I'm making decisions NOT based on what everyone else is doing." I've learned that when you live a life of "keeping up" the costs are high. In my personal experience the consequence of these choices end up dragging us through life and suddenly... Days roll into weeks. Weeks roll into years. And on and on and on. I've learned over the years to stop using the statement... "When... blah blah blah Then I will... blah blah blah." Too much of our culture tells us that we "have to" keep up or then... Then what? Our kids don't get on the elite team? We aren't invited to the "popular" party. Why? Being intentional is about getting to the core of YOU. The core of your values. I firmly believe that once you have hit your core it becomes easier to sweep away the clutter, the "extras", the distractions that keep us from our authentic self. It's a journey people. I will be the first to say that distractions in life are EVERYWHERE but if you boil it down to your core values and beliefs and listen to that voice inside of you, limiting the clutter becomes less confusing. Your core values help you choose your direction in life. Ask yourself this... are you driving on a highway with no real plan of where you are even going? Do you have the cruise control set and are coasting along because hitting a pothole or possibly taking that alternative route may be too "dangerous"? Or are you like a large majority... speeding through life; racing down the highway trying to keep up with all the cars in your lane? Guess what happens when you are racing? You live life gripped to the steering wheel and only see what is smack dab in front of you. I'm learning. I'm learning not from myself but rather from my own kids that life is meant to be "lived" and not gripped to the steering wheel. Stop speeding down the highway to the "next destination". The side of the road, the road less traveled, the exit that seems risky is where the memories are made. What I have learned through the years is that when you slow your car down; your grip loosens and you have the ability to look around. Stop worrying about the mob of cars all piled up on the highway. They are gripping the wheel, racing to the next "thing" and are most likely frustrated that they haven't had a chance to stop and smell the roses on the side of the road. When you stop to smell the roses something happens inside of you. You not only smell the rose but you get to really look at the rose, absorb the soil that is surrounding that rose and heck, you even have the ability to clip the rose and bring it in your house to admire it for a week or so. I'm here to tell you that my kids have taught me about smelling the roses. Dan and I joke about how we feel like we have two sets of kids... the older and the younger. Having such a large span in age between our kids has been a major blessing. I now can look at my 19 and 20 year old adult children and see that it's okay that they didn't belong to every club, we didn't race to every event, they didn't receive the "latest and greatest" gadgets. The picture of Hattie hugging the sweet little babe from Africa is my reminder that living intentionally doesn't happen when you are gripped to the wheel of a runaway car. Do something today... something radical, something that may end up causing you to get out of the fast lane and land yourself on the side of the road for a bit BUT do this one thing... ask yourself what you would really like to do with your life. What is it at the core of your being that makes your heart pump, your smile emerge and you left feeling proud? What would it be? I bet you a million dollars you could ask my daughter, Hattie and she would say she's doing it. BUT did it come without pain, sacrifice and a whole bunch of fear? Heck no! One month ago I found myself watching her step away from three people she loves very much at an airport. I watched her almost faint because the fear was so great. I also watched her bravely step away from us, from a familiar language, familiar sights and familiar luxuries and enter the unknown territory of what would lie ahead for the next 74 days. RISK. It's a part of life but when you follow your core beliefs and stick to your values that is the point when you are living life with intention. Please don't get me wrong; living a life of intention doesn't mean you need to travel 6,000 miles away. It doesn't even mean you have to board a plane. It simply means you don't set your life on cruise control or swim with the current because it's the easiest. Swim upstream. Take your foot off the gas. Stop doing something just because "everyone else is doing it". Everyone else is searching. It's like one big game. Create your own set of rules today. One that involves your best interest. You have one little life to live. Get out of the fast lane and live it before your car literally runs out of gas or runs out of life. Go find the rose. Go take a sniff. Clip it and put it in your house as a reminder that stopping to smell the roses isn't being lazy it's being intentional. One day that rose will be gone and all that will be left are the sharp thorns. Choose to take in the beauty while it is still alive. Your kids will thank you and I promise you will never be happier. God has an interesting way of getting my attention. Whether I am in a rush and frazzled or having a quiet moment to myself; he has this beautiful way of reminding me he is near. Two weeks ago was the perfect example of this. First off, I need to give my dear readers some background information. My oldest daughter, Hattie was recently offered an unpaid internship this summer in Israel. She will be working side by side with children who are recovering from heart surgery. I know from the bottom of my heart that this opportunity was God ordained BUT that doesn't mean the thought of her leaving our family and the comforts of everything she knows any easier. Which leads me to my story two weeks ago...
Two weeks ago I was enjoying a beautiful walk with Evelyn. While pushing the stroller Hattie called me from college. Our conversation focused on the "unknowns" of her trip. She explained to me how she was so excited to go but also very nervous since she would be traveling completely alone. I could hear it in her voice that the trek of 6,000 miles seemed scary but exciting at the same time. She said, "Mom, I'm leaving everything I love, everything I know and I'm going by myself to do something I've never done before." At that moment I put on my Mom hat and tried my best to offer up some of my best advice, but really what she needed to hear was it's okay to be scared. I reminded her that some of the most scary times in my life have produced the most greatest blessings. Being scared is okay. Being scared means we are allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and risk the comforts of our "patterned" life. Being scared means we are putting faith in God and what is unseen rather that what is right in front of us. I could sense our short conversation had shifted from fear to excitement. With a click of a button we were off the phone with one another and I was returning to my seemingly normal walk until I looked down. Once again God did it... he placed his divine sign right in the middle of the sidewalk... a beautiful blue egg. The egg was perfectly cracked and the baby bird that once resided in its comfortable warm home was now on its way to discover the world. The baby bird finally grew strong enough to emerge and risk flying on its own. Success! No bird in sight just a beautiful empty shell. I smiled at the irony of this egg and its empty shell. I knew God placed it in that exact spot for me to see, (he also knows I'm a nut when it comes to signs so picking up the broken egg and bringing it home was something that was pretty much expected). The entire way home from my walk with Evelyn I continued to think about this sweet little egg and the similarities that it shared with that of raising my own children. It meant more than being an "empty nester" or having a child "fly the coop" for me it symbolized the struggle and pure redemption. The struggle that the baby bird feels while poking its tiny little beak out of the hard shell. The commitment and strength it takes to not give up and continue fighting to get out of the shell even if it feels like it won't happen and then the victory of breaking free and the bravery of spreading its wings and choosing that it's time to explore the world. For me life can be compared to a safe little nest. You can build that nest strong and firm but staying in a nest and never breaking free is not living... it's existing. One could say Dan and I are crazy for letting our daughter leave the country alone for two months. One could also say that we are crazy for adding to our family the way we choose to, but my response to both of those comments would be... just like the baby bird needs to trust that they can fly Dan and I need to step out of the way and let Hattie spread her wings. The more Dan and I step out of the patterned way of life the more we continue to fly. God has taken us places we never thought possible and he has blessed us with children we never knew we needed so badly. I can look back now and smile at God's plan many years ago when we said yes to children with complex heart conditions. God knew all along that this would change the lives of our other children in ways I never thought possible. If someone would have told me years ago that Hattie would be traveling to Israel to help children with heart defects I would have laughed. My little girl who always wanted to sell bookmarks or own a pet store is suddenly boarding a plane alone to go share her love with children from a variety of countries. I don't know if this opportunity would have existed had we stayed comfortably in our nest. I am so proud of all of my children. I look at the uniqueness of each of them and I am in awe that God has trusted me enough to be their Mom. Being their Mom also means showing them that being comfortable isn't living. Living happens when there is struggle, pain, uneasiness because through the struggle and the pain comes the victory. I heard something many years ago that I have never forgotten and it feels so symbolic to parenting... Sea turtles build their nests away from the shore. Their nests are buried under the sand so that the seagulls don't see them. Once the baby sea turtles hatch they must then make their difficult trek to the seashore before a hungry seagull scoops them up for dinner. One would think why not help these baby sea turtles by picking them up and carrying them to sea. Wouldn't it be easier and less risky if we just help them ourselves? No. Here is the irony of the story. In order for a baby sea turtle to survive in the rough waters of the ocean they must be physically strong AND in order for that to happen they need to build up the strength by digging out of their buried nest and challenging themselves to scurry to the seashore ON THEIR OWN. It is through that journey that they build their strength to swim and survive in the ocean. While I would love nothing more than to sit next to Hattie and comfort her fears while traveling to Israel I also know that she is strong enough. My little girl who once loved to dress up her stuffed animals and make chestnut stew in the backyard is equipped for this journey to the shore. She has dug herself out of obstacles and ran the race when life didn't always seem fair. This digging and running the race of life has prepared her for her journey to the sea. She will swim! She will board that plane just as a sea turtle enters the waters and she will feel the freedom the sea turtle feels when it realizes that they did it on their own. Just like the bird feels when it spreads its wings and realizes that i'ts strong enough to fly on its own. Redemption! Trust God with your baby birds. He doesn't want us to stay in the nest and play it safe nor does he want us to scoop them up and carry them through life. Live life by taking risks and believing in yourself and your children. The world is waiting for YOU, don't you wait for the world. I've only watched a tightrope walker once in my lifetime. My palms sweat and my stomach was in knots. I was so fearful that with one slip of his steady feet he would surely fall.
Personally, it's been nine months of tightrope walking. The tightrope symbolizing life and the fall proving immediate death. My Mom gingerly got on the tightrope this past July, my brother began his walk on the rope in November and then Evelyn began her journey on the tightrope in December. All three walked the fine line of life and death. My Mother and brother walked as far as they could before the rope became too difficult. Evelyn slipped, she began to fall but eventually was placed back on the tightrope to continue her journey. I am here to tell you that this tightrope while it used to be SO scary has taught me SO much. I've realized the biggest and most wonderful lesson... "the fall". You see, the fall doesn't mean immediate death. It means eternal LIFE. The picture above is a reminder that these two, while they may not physically be present in my life, they are showing up in ways that only God can explain. Death teaches you something VERY quickly. Here is what I have learned over the past months of tightrope walking with death... This life is temporary. We are all "terminal". We cannot take our "things" with us once we "fall" from our tightrope. We have a purpose while living on this earth. We are all created uniquely for that purpose. My Mom and Dad both passed away in my home. I was present when their earthly bodies were taken out of my house and respectfully taken to a funeral home. Guess what? Did my Dad get to take his favorite peach pants? Did my Mom get to grab her puzzles, lipstick and rosaries on her way out the door? Nope. When my brother passed he didn't get to grab his comfortable recliner or special family photos. Life isn't about "things". Life is about people. Life is about each second between each minute. Life to me is about constantly asking God what he is trying to teach me in my trials. He puts trials in our lives as teachable moments. Our family has experienced more teachable moments in this last year. I have never relied more on God than I have this past year BUT I have never "lived" as much as I have in this past year. Dan and I signed paperwork prior to Evelyn's surgery that had verbiage in it suggesting that the tightrope may not be sturdy enough during Evelyn's walk. In the moment of signing that piece of paper I looked at my husband's hand; while griping the pen his signature was deliberate, steadfast and focused. We both took a deep breath. Pressed on. We looked at our little warrior in the face and prayed, knowing God's will would be done. Rewind only nine days prior and I found myself looking at the face of my brother, knowing it would be the last time I would see his earthly body. I didn't have a pen, nor was I signing paperwork but I did have my words. I was able to deliberately and steadfastly tell him things I had never shared with him before. Rewind five months prior to my brother and I found myself in the exact same position. No pen in hand. No paperwork to sign but certain death was expected for my Mom. This time I was gifted; absolutely gifted the beautiful opportunity to watch God escort her to her final resting place. ETERNAL life! It's like being a mad scientist mixing abundant happiness with sadness. Life with death. A mixture of beauty and promises. God continues to remind me on a daily basis how temporary life truly is. I believe he is telling me to shout it from the rooftops to everyone and anyone who will listen. I'm shouting to you all to follow your passion, your God given and God ordained talent. You might be saying, "how will I know if God really wants me to do something?" My answer would be, is it something God supports? Is it something that benefits God's purpose? Will it bring glory and attention to God? If you say yes then step out. Listen to him whisper. It might be quiet at first but after time you may continue to feel a nudge or even a shout. God is smart. He doesn't like to give up. He hasn't given up on me. In fact he continues to whisper and nudge and then I say, "really, haven't I listened enough?" He grabs your attention and once he has it he continues to lead you. My two oldest children have heard God speak to them. It's a beautiful thing when you can see God moving in your children. How do I know that he is speaking to them? Doors continue to open and they faithfully and bravely walk through them without a promise as to what exactly is on the other side of that door. I see them hungry for God's purpose in their lives. I see them facing questions and opinions of the "naysayers" and I see that familiar focused, deliberate and steadfast hand reach for the pen and sign up for God's calling. My two oldest children have separately and independently agreed to let God take them out of their comfort zone and travel abroad. They will be traveling in two different directions at two different times. One will be leaving for Israel next month to volunteer her time in a hospital known for healing hearts of children from different countries while the other will be leaving for Iceland in October. He will be digging into the scripture for three months then head to do missionary work in a different country in desperate need of hearing the love of God while using his talent of photography. Both of my kids have encountered people and their comments such as, "how can you afford to take off the summer and volunteer your time without earning money?" Another asked my son, "Why would you take off a year of school to volunteer your time that doesn't promise you a career?" THIS is when you KNOW it's God's will... it's about people and not "things". An invest in what is eternal. I can't think of a better investment in life than that of a person... it has the biggest payoffs and if invested properly it will grow exponentially! Seeing your children extend their hand and hearts to those seemingly forgotten; rather than reaching for a paycheck is the most rewarding part of being a parent. I have the tightrope to thank. The tightrope is God. He is asking you to walk a line that is scary and seemingly dangerous BUT promising if you fall he will be there FOREVER. Get busy walking the tightrope. It's time to live for people and not things. My Dad's peach pants, while they made a statement they didn't change anyone's life for the better, (sorry Dad). It's time to throw the things aside and live... authentically live for people! The peach pants, puzzles, lipstick, rosaries, recliners and family photos are already forgotten. The tightrope is calling your name... climb up on it and begin LIVING for someone today, not tomorrow or next week but today! Do you have someone who you are fighting with right now? Someone who has made you SO mad that if you knew you could win you would slap on those giant boxing gloves and give him or her a giant slug right in the kisser! Admit it... you have people in your life that have disappointed you, hurt you, annoyed you, betrayed you and so on. We ALL have. How do you handle it? Do you dream about revenge or crawl inside yourself and cry in pain?
My boxing ring has a variety of opponents in it. One day it could simply be the mail lady for not dropping off my mail due to not leaving her enough space by the curb; the next day it could be an old wound that never got resolved by someone close; but for me, on a regular basis, I am fighting with an opponent called heart disease. Lately most of my days have been in bed due to a terrible fall resulting in multiple fractures on my back. No matter how hard I would like to push past the pain I physically cannot do it. For the first time that I can remember I am being still because movement hurts. While laying in my bed and seeing the exact same sights day in and day out I felt God shout at me. "Are you finally listening? Do you actually hear me this time, Annette? Read the sign you so lovingly picked out for your heart children! You bought it when Clara came home. Remember? You then put Lewis under this sign when he came home and now it has finally been passed on to Evelyn. Read the sign, Annette. "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be STILL" Take a close look at the picture I attached... The picture above really sums up so much of my internal battle. My fight with heart disease. The camera attached to Evelyn's crib, ( the worry a parent feels about their medically fragile child), the feeding tube and pump (a constant reminder that she is needing extra help not from her parents but rather from medical equipment to get herself stronger). The battle rages on. The battle with heart disease. Dan and I have been putting our boxing gloves on and fighting against a disease that is bigger than us. We tell ourselves we won't be defeated and we won't be pinned to the ground but have you seen our opponent? Heart disease... it comes in taking punches even when we feel we have trained for the fight. Remember the phrase, "pick on someone your own size!" Well, looking at this picture and hearing God shout at me completely reminded me of that this week. God is bigger than any opponent I know. God redeems. God wins in the end, so why it is SO hard for me to hang up my boxing gloves and let God enter the ring and pin heart disease to the ground? Why can't I trust him the way I trust him with other areas of my life? It reminds me of when we tell our own children, "trust me". Each adoption has been a testimony to going "deeper" into the waters. Digging deeper into our faith and watching fear get pinned to the ground. Evelyn's adoption has certainly stepped up our boxing match. We have a bigger opponent this time. We've been in the ring with him before, (heart disease) but this time he has a slightly different look to himself; he's bigger, meaner and honestly more intimidating. Stepping into the ring three years ago with Clara and heart disease we felt prepared for the "knock down". Then Lewis stepped into the ring and we threw on those familiar boxing gloves and went swinging. We cheered in excitement when the bell was rung and Lewis's arm was raised in the air because he pinned that bad boy to the mat. Well, then our sweet Evelyn entered the ring and we passed over the familiar and successful boxing gloves but this time the opponent was MUCH BIGGER. Dan and I looked at one another with complete certainty that God had faith in us. He saw how we played the game and he was pleased BUT he also knew that there would be a time when OUR STRENGTH wasn't what would win the match... it was HIS strength; God's strength. God's promise, "The Lord will FIGHT for you; you need only to be STILL". So here I sit, being STILL with four fractures on my back. I get it God. Thank you. You've been telling me for awhile to be still and watch as YOU do the fighting. It's time to hang up the familiar boxing gloves and take a seat outside of the ring. It's time to see how God handles the biggest opponent we've ever seen. Time to let him show off his greatness and fight for our brave daughter. Evelyn's first two years of her life have been filled with so much struggle and sickness BUT, I repeat BUT they have also been filled with joy, hope, LOVE and fight... oh what FIGHT! Who did that come from? Not me. Not Dan. GOD. He jumped in the ring and has been fighting for her. I just needed to get out of the way and get out of the ring. It's not my fight... it's HIS! The stillness I have had for the past 13 days was a complete eye opener. Stillness clears the cobwebs, quiets the mind and has allowed me to parachute down from a frantic pace and land into God's word. His words this time were, "It's not your fight, Annette. It's mine. Trust me. Let me fight for you; you need only to be still." Finding peace in life means finding stillness. Stillness will not take away heart disease nor will it speed up heart disease. Stillness means I am trusting God. Who are you standing in the ring with right now? Who is your opponent? It's time to get out of the way. Let God hop in the ring and fight for YOU! Do as I did and parachute down from your frantic pace and land safely into his words. Be still. It may feel unnatural and uneasy. It may even feel uncomfortable; speaking from experience I am living in that uncomfortable period right now. Fractures on your back are NO joke but finding peace during this time is priceless. Thank you God for teaching me a lesson and reminding me who is in charge. Take off your boxing gloves friends. It's really not your fight to win. He loves you too much to let you lose. Seven years I began really hearing God's big dreams for my life and the life of our family. Seven years ago I began letting go and letting God. At least that is what I have been telling myself, "letting go and letting God" but faithful readers let me tell you a piece of gut wrenching truth about me... I think I have been trying to tame a bucking bronco in a rodeo. It's impossible. That sweet pony in the petting zoo cannot be compared to the bucking bronco... it's wild; just like our creator who gave us our dreams and passions.
Having run marathons I find that I can relate certain situations to that of a marathon. I typically train for 16 weeks and ramp up my miles each week and then hit my peak a couple of weeks prior to the marathon; running 20 miles before the actual 26.2. There is a wonderful feeling that comes over me each time when I cross the finish line because I know I stuck to the schedule as best as possible and I gave it my all while out on the coarse BUT there is another feeling that comes over me a couple of days after the run... the "let down". Training is done. Time to rest. Time to listen to your body and give it some freedom from rigidness and structure. That is hard for me but it's necessary. I am currently at the "finish line" but there is no finish line when it comes to a God sized dream. So where am I then? Did I actually cross a finish line? My mind and heart are grieving. This is where exposing myself with my words and allowing cyber space to capture them for readers to take in and form opinions is hard but once again God is telling me to step out and be real. If my "real" helps remind you that you aren't alone and you find encouragement then I heard God correctly. I am running a race that continues and doesn't actually have a finish line. I lost my Mom this summer. Six years and nine months our family had the privilege of caring for her in our home. Six years of daily interaction. Six years of ups and downs, struggles and celebrations. Now she is gone. Grief has set in now. Why? It's the bucking bronco. I thought I could control the grief. Compartmentalize it. Rationalize it. Nope. Don't tame grief because it needs to run free just like a bucking bronco. Just like Evelyn's heart. I can't control her future. I can't tame her. When I allow myself to think of the future for Evelyn and my two other heart children I see that the bronco wants to buck and thrash and I try with all my strength to control it. When God gives you a big dream expect big struggles and expect to live a life without the control you once thought you had. Years ago my husband and I never imagined my parents would live with us. I didn't have a plan or a schedule of how each day would look when caring for aging parents while raising children. It's not like my marathon where each day is laid out with how many miles to run and what days would be for "rest". Just like welcoming our adopted children into our homes. There was no plan or schedule that promised us that our finances would be perfect and that medically they would be "perfect". That bucking bronco came bolting into our lives, into our home and tore up everything that once was "in its place" and literally turned "Moms applecart" upside down. My applecart, (which holds everything near and dear to me in it) is currently upset and slightly turned upside down. I'm needing to sit on the side and let it be that way right now. For years my Mom has been one of my biggest priorities and I took such joy in seeing her smile. When my Dad passed in our home I could feel her pain because I was feeling the grief as well. I made a promise to myself that I would take her pain and pour as much life and happiness into her while she was here so she wouldn't feel the void of his presence. Now looking back I see how I was taming a the bucking bronco. God placed that grief there for a purpose. It's absolutely ridiculous for me to think that I took her pain. Now I have two parents who are reunited with one another and God but now I am the one sitting here with the void. The pain of the loss has completely set in; I now know that bucking bronco was God all along telling me to "let go and let God". It's time I put my words into action and sit. Grieve. Allow my body to rest and restore just like after a marathon. Legs need a break after running 26.2 miles just like a heart needs restoration after loss and lengthily hospital stays. My heart has been running a race with no finish line. My heart has been listening to God's whispers and I would like to think that our family has been faithful to his calling but my mind still wants to tame him. It's time to let God really rip my heart open to the grief. Let the bronco run wild through my "control" and really let go. Yesterday my husband surprised me with a solo trip to visit a soul sister in North Carolina. As the plane was leaving the runway and was climbing higher and higher into the clouds I leaned into the window praying to see my Mom above the clouds. Right? Isn't that what we think as a child; the beautiful gates are in the sky above the clouds. Well, I never saw my Mom in those beautiful clouds but I did feel a warm tear fall down my cheek and I knew that God was calling that bucking bronco to expose my heart and my grief. I'm letting it in today. The grief, the memories and the fears of the future for my heart children. God can run wild through my heart and tear up everything that has been "in its place" for so long. Take me as I am because I want to refuel and restore for whatever God calls us to do in the future. I am going to use this time mend my tired heart. My legs healed after each marathon. They actually became stronger after each break. I am trusting this "rest" will give my heart the strength to faithfully step forward when God whispers another God sized dream. I will not let my hurt become a lock on the door keeping opportunities out due to them being hard or risking pain. The door will swing open again and I know God will come; with only a power he can and rip up everything that is "in its place" and design it in a way that is more beautiful than I ever imagined possible. Being faithful is saying yes to the unknowns of what the future holds. It's beautiful. It's offered to all of us. What is God calling you to do? Let the bronco run wild your life. Our part in life is not about control or the results. It's about obedience. That decision will rock your world in a way that can only be explained by God. My teeth are still biting the inside of my cheeks, my stomach still feels like it has gotten off a tilt-a-whirl, my shoulders still won't relax and I haven't fully exhaled. This image while it is hard to look at is part of Evelyn's story; which in turn has blossomed into a story that people across the country are glued to watching and reading. Churches of differing denominations, schools of hundreds of children and families in different states are coming together no matter race, religion, economic status or political views and are joining us for one thing... HEALING and RESTORATION for our daughter, Evelyn. What a story of beauty born out of brokenness. Healing out of hurt. Admiration out of abandonment and most importantly... FAITH OVER FEAR.
There are certain experiences in my life that leave a lasting fingerprint and impression. In the last five months I have experienced more of them than I ever imagined. I have been on the holiest of ground over the last five months. In July God invited me, along with other siblings to escort our Mother to the gates. I was able to look into my Mother's eyes and tell her it was okay to go be with our Dad. I held her hand and whispered to her that we were there walking beside her and to not be afraid. Then, less than two weeks before Evelyn's heart surgery I found myself in a similar situation but this time with my brother. This time I was gifted a private moment to talk to him only hours before he passed. My niece gave me a gift that I will never be able to repay... a moment of closure and a moment of silence that I knew was being felt by the both of us. Then I my third experience was one with my daughter; the moment when the ventilator would be turned off and we would all see if Evelyn was strong enough to breathe on her own. This time instead of holding a hand and leading a loved one to the gates I found myself holding a hand and begging for God to keep her from the gates. This is the messiness of faith. It's scary. It's unimaginable and it's heart wrenching BUT it's magnificent. Yes, you read that correctly... magnificent. I was given an up close seat to see God in action. Faith in motion and redemption on the loose! Evelyn was brought back to us after going into a full cardiac arrest. Her surgery was considered high risk and we weren't given wonderful odds about survival. A common statement was thrown around a lot by Evelyn's team at the hospital, "We wait and see what Evelyn will do." I am believing more and more that God is using our daughter, Evelyn to either bring people back to their faith or strengthen their faith. She is defying all odds to survive. She's traveled 7,000 miles to get proper medical care and have a forever family that will never let her go. She traveled those 7,000 miles with a body that was so frail that brought me to tears the moment I saw her naked for the first time. Her will to fight is like nothing I have ever seen before. I have a reoccurring vision that takes the messiness of my faith and turns it into magnificent. Evelyn's heart surgeon and another doctor both received a call in the middle of the night that Evelyn had gone into cardiac arrest. I found out through others on the team that they sped to the hospital to be at Evelyn's side. Literally. They got in their cars in the middle of the night and sped to get to her. Imagine that for a moment. People running to MY DAUGHTER to save her life whereas only months ago my daughter was laying in a crib almost lifeless and no one was running to her. She now has a team that is fighting for her, running to her and loving her. That my friends is magnificent. The messiness of faith is the saying goodbye to loved ones whom you would love to keep next to you physically. That would be my Mom and my brother. My faith is strong but my hurt is deep and that part of my faith is messy because it is painful. The magnificent part of faith is watching God show is faithfulness when it all seems lost. He lays his hand on the broken and brings out such beauty that anyone would be crazy not to believe that God does answer prayers. I look back to when we said yes to adopting Evelyn. We said yes to all of the uncertainties and it was at that point that God allowed some people to stand on the sidelines and wonder why? Why, when we are already busy and our hands were more than full. I don't for a moment argue their points but I also believe God allowed all the questions and even doubts to give everyone a front row seat at watching something magnificent unfold. Evelyn is a miracle in the making. I do not doubt that, nor do I say that lightly. I was and quite honestly still trying to emotionally protect my heart for what God's will was for Evelyn prior to surgery. You see, God doesn't always answer prayers the way would like. That is why it is called faith. That's the messy part. I didn't know how her story would end. Now I see the hundreds of people who have rallied around her and our family and it is clear that Evelyn is climbing this mountain to rally people to their own faith. She is collecting people along the way up her mountain to witness the views along the way. It is glorious to see the variety of people wanting to climb and grab a hold of their faith in honor of this tiny little warrior. Her broken heart is mending broken hearts of faith. She is an example of how God is faithful. He is our father. Cry out to him. He wants to heal your hurts. Mend the brokenness. Faith is messy. Faith is also magnificent. Grab his hand through it all because he promises to be by your side. Evelyn is proof. I am SO proud to call Evelyn my daughter just as I am so proud to call God my Father. With him by our side I have no doubt that Evelyn will continue to climb that steep mountain. |
AuthorI am a proud Mother to eight children and a wife to my very best friend. I work hard, play hard and love until it hurts. Archives
January 2023
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